All Things Possible or Probable

All Things Possible or Probable

I used to believe that what is possible in me and from me and what is probable were closely related. In other words I had a self image that allowed for a relatively secure predictability of my behavior and attitude that set the tone for my future outcomes and my image in the world. I was pretty sure the world bought what I was selling.

Now I understand that my conclusions were full of flaws and my reality was far from the truth. In desperately seeking to really know who and where I am, I have begun to see myself more clearly. I do not always like what I see but if I cannot love and accept what is truly there, then there is no hope to open the door to what will be there. How I treat myself is how I will treat others honestly.  I've been living in a fool's world thinking that I could act "as if" I had more love, patience, understanding, care, and compassion for others while inside I did not have it for myself. That incongruity eventually showed me how unsuccessful and lost I was.  

Now rather than trying to design myself as I want you to see me or how I think I should be, I choose to surrender to the superior design and allow it to unfold. I have been told that I am a "late bloomer"but also have been told that "you are never late in divine time." As I was created, the timing of my evolution is perfectly synchronized. How far I will be allowed to grow and understand absolutely depends on my willingness because if I put up roadblocks of resistance, I cannot proceed.  Letting go of false control and fear  is the only chance I have to find out what is truly possible and surrendering to a higher divine Source of knowledge and wisdom is how the possible becomes probable.

Drama? Or Quiet Decision

Drama? Or Quiet Decision

Does every significant event in life which requires change of mind, heart or direction need to be noisy, catastrophic, and outwardly overwhelming ? Do we need to be recognized as hero, victim, or villain in order to validate our existence and get credit for our actions?

The television medium has become inundated with so called "reality"shows. It would seem that the temperament of the shows is more about exaggerating life situations and providing us with loud and dramatic actions and interpretations from the participants in their efforts to survive or conquer the existing situation. 

My personal experience reminds me that the more fearful, guilt-ridden and selfish the problem becomes, the louder it gets.  The dramatic yelling, defensive reactions, and painful accusations are all smoke screens for the internal suffering of disappointment, regret, and pain. I have also seen , within my own dilemmas and the dilemmas of others, that quick and destructive actions and choices exist to help sever and eradicate any attachment for the person and situation that might remain in our vulnerable and weaker side.  Those actions of severe disassociation or "burning bridges" seem to be the easiest and quickest way to solve a painful situation but the embers of anger and hurt smolder for years to come and can be revived by future similar connections.  Unhealed resentments are poison to future joy and happiness. 

If I allow myself the selfish indulgence of needing to "be right" in most all situations and relish putting the blame elsewhere, happiness and emotional health and balance get harder and harder to achieve. Taking a personal "time out" to reassess actions and behaviors and choose the kindest and most real expression of who we are in any situation allows us a chance to get it right on all counts.  Everything ending, particularly in regards to relationships, doesn't have to be horrendous, pain inflicting and final.   Maybe some will be but choosing to let go instead of destroying everything in order to do that may suffice. We destroy and maim a large piece of our heart and soul when we want to destroy another. 

We don't have to leave the evidence of our change by what we destroyed. Sometimes we can choose to change on the inside and move forward. In the end, the wake of that quiet subtlety could be the game changer of our whole life. For me it is. 

Worthy of Life

Worthy of Life

I have thought that I didn't belong here. I have felt so alone in my life that the only logical explanation was I must've been accidentally born to the wrong parents or in the wrong city or possibly even  the wrong parallel universe.  But because I was here, 

I struggled with locating or finding "my people".  I have always felt different and thought that there was a place where I would know, without a doubt, that I was finally home. There 

everything would fit and so would I. But it seemed I couldn't or wouldn't  get it or find it unless I earned my worthiness. So life became one big scavenger hunt, collecting things, becoming recognizable in a apparently definable and fixed world, and looking for the ultimate satisfaction by gathering all the "items" or requirements on my list in order to become worthy.  Needless to say, I never seemed to complete that task or gathered enough glory to feel complete. I never got enough "medals", trophies or headlines to be recognized or found by the members of my own personal, mutual admiration society.  

Occasionally, along the way, I had been gifted with a few comrades that remain close in heart and soul but never in proximity. I had felt destined to be trapped in an ethereal set of relationships, that only manifest in the physical world as occasional visitations, like "booster shots" to keep up my immunity against loneliness and disconnection. 

The "meals" of few-and-far-between encounters with dear ones, small islands of concentrated nurturing,  were like being on a starvation diet.  It is not enough to satisfy and improve a healthy heart, mind and soul - rather just enough to sustain a heartbeat and return to the hunger and the recognition of what isn't there. 

At some point, not so long ago, I faced that feeling of gaunt, emotional and spiritual starvation and sought the food I so desperately needed  from a higher source. It started in my soul, spread to my heart, and eased my mind. The only remedy was to tap into and remember the higher spirit that abides in me and outside of me.  The eternal fountain from Source is never ending, always there to access, and helps me find worthiness and purpose in my existence. Rather than remain a spiritual zombie, I chose to live and belong. My limited imagination of where and with whom I belong has been changed.  I belong in each moment and find purpose and promise there. I am infused with a higher Source of inspiration and the ability to recognize the path instead of feeling lost and abandoned. I feel that giving and receiving love is like creating a ripple in a pond or being washed over by the waves in the vast ocean. The results are equally gentle and powerful in their effect on the world around us and inside of us. 

Being worthy now means I am prepared and open to being a receptacle and resource for receiving and giving the best I can of life. It also means that every day my recognition of where I belong is here and now, and who I belong with is those who are with me at that moment. As I keep my direct and focused connection with my divine Source, I am where I belong.  I am home. 

Letting Go. - Perception and Transformation

Letting Go - Perception and Transformation

When I hear the phrase "let go" it creates an image of either separation, departure, loss or loss of control, release or all of the above.  No matter which angle we come from, letting go seems to mean that something or someone is disappearing or soon to be forgotten, sometimes easily, sometimes with great difficulty. But is it the person, place or thing we are truly letting go of or our attachments and neediness for them to comfort us and fill up a void in our lives?

If everything that didn't suit us, that bothered us, that didn't continue to make us happy or caused us pain was discarded and abandoned as bad or unwanted, our self knowledge and understanding could be jeopardized by not recognizing ourselves and our lessons in all these circumstances and people. I believe that everything we do, and everyone who comes in our path, is designed for our reflection, understanding and growth. If we see ourselves as spiritual beings struggling through the limitations of a human experience, we can only move up the ladder of development if we recognize and value these opportunities.  The wider we can open those doors and combine the two universes of humanity and spirituality the more clarity we achieve and the more peaceful understanding we might experience. 

 I'm beginning to understand more clearly that it is my attachment and desire that makes the situation or person desirable or undesirable, understood or misunderstood.  My personal wants and expectations can create a false sense of reality and can twist a potentially stable, healthy relationship or situation into a distorted, unhealthy and destructive one.  If I pray for guidance and am willing to change, in the same right, things can improve and become more positive and fulfilling. Now the "letting go" process becomes one of transformation. When I transform my insides and see things in their beautiful reality, then disappointment and desire no longer control the outcome. Trying to perceive the world and our place in it from our Divine Source, in its true moment of reality and purpose, is by far a greater gift.  This new vision from heart, soul and mind may allow us to change the regret, shame or disappointment of the past into a road map towards better paths and outcomes. 

So now I try to "let go" of my small, narrow-minded and controlling view of life in exchange for a bigger and wider perception of my life within the big LIFE. The view is much better from here and the ride more enjoyable. 

This Is Not A One Man Show

This Is Not a One Man Show

It would seem that when we talk about destiny, fulfillment, progress, understanding, and consciousness, the focus is on our individual selves. We strive to understand what is happening around us, what will happen to us, and what will be the end result for us. This is a very logical position to have as a human being working our way through the unknown of living and the search for meaning and purpose. 

I have come to believe that individual significance is still affected  by and contingent on the rest of the world around us. We are not meant to be a singular entity withdrawn and separate from everyone else. Our actions and reactions, and others' actions and reactions, significantly impact the progress of enlightenment.

In earlier years I read and studied many individuals with significant progress in their spiritual evolution and enlightenment and found great Inspiration therein. However, as I continue to grow older and, hopefully wiser, I see the intricate thread that ties us all together.  For me, enlightenment in this world is only as good as the recognizable impact it has on the rest of the world. I get brief glimpses of what it would be like to have such an expansion of consciousness and the experience of such oneness with the higher Source. I am, however, of the ilk that a collective consciousness, a group awareness that continues to evolve, is far more desirable then just my own individual evolution. If my own expansion is only self elevating , at some point, there could potentially be a disconnect from the rest of the world. I realize we are supposed to be able to feel the oneness of the whole world as we grow in a higher awareness, but, I also strongly feel the impact that I would rather see as the world continues to consciously evolve together. Mankind's collective consciousness in evolution becomes a far more beautiful picture in my mind. Being and growing with others in like consciousness could make this life more thrilling, more meaningful, and certainly more entertaining. 

For me, being right and evolved all by myself is not appealing. I definitely want to have the strongest relationship with my higher source of light and awareness, but I also wish to share that with the others that I have the privilege of living and breathing with at this amazing time for humanity on earth. I feel that a higher and deeper awareness exists in each individual person. I would rather invest myself in trying to uncover or discover that hidden treasure and celebrate the joy of its discovery.  That celebration of the treasured gift simultaneously elevates my being.  If I am like a plant, struggling towards the light for growth and expansion, then the world and the light around me  is where I am planted and what helps me grow. May I continue to be a source of the same for others;  one flower among many.  

Deeper understanding.

Deeper understanding.

I recognize myself as being a deep thinker. One of my greatest joys is receiving spontaneous  insights that appear and compel me to write, or try to write them down.  These feelings and the thoughts that ensue from these sacred moments reinforce the higher source from which comes this Inspiration and gives me a true sense of connection, peace, and joy. I am open to receiving this at moments of meditation, walking, listening to music, and any simple task that requires repetition, but very little thought. It also gives me a more satisfied and settled feeling when I am on my own and not distracted by others. 

Herein lies the conundrum for me. When I go about my daily routine in the world, and perform all the pragmatics of existence,  I naturally encounter other people. Occasionally I have wonderful conversations and engage in laughter and comradary.   Much of the time,  though, I feel like I'm coming down from the clouds and am forced to relinquish this revelry for a rather diminished environment.  One that offers a minimal amount of satisfaction and reward.  In other words, it's hard to feel that excited and inspired with others on a day-to-day basis.  Sometimes they are even boring.

 I have no delusions of having more consciousness than any other human being walking this planet, but the internal experience during those moments of inspiration are so profound that other life experiences feel much less compelling and memorable . My challenge is to find inspiration and elevation of spirit in whatever way I interact in this world. If I follow my true sense that there is Divinity in every form, both physical and super physical, then the potential for a more enlightened experience each day is there.  It has to be my choice to be open and willing to experience it. It's kind a like cable television. You can have a few channels or you can have hundreds. It's up to me to choose how many ways I want to be open to this amazing experience.   I have to make sure I get the Divine Discovery channel.