Belonging

Belonging

It has taken me quite some time to understand what it feels like to belong, in the deepest sense of the word. I never felt that growing up. I hungered and pined for it. I thought by joining groups or taking on long  term responsibilities I would get the sense of belonging  But being committed and belonging have not been even close to the same thing for me. I committed myself to raising a child alone. I committed myself to living in a group for many years. I committed myself to marriages and mortgages. I committed myself to my work and success. But all of these temporary and sincere attempts at maturity and conformity became either easy to dismiss, ignore, take for granted,  replace or leave behind as my inspiration for fulfilling those commitments faded. My heart was never truly in it.  I felt that I had deluded myself and harmed others with these vain and unfulfilling attempts at creating a persona deserving of the surety that belonging to me or for me could be realized . I couldn't structure, provide or participate in a world where belonging was possible. I didn't know how.  

I can honestly say today that I feel that I failed at belonging because belonging is totally connected to love and I was not well versed at all regarding love.   It has taken me most of my earthly time to understand and to step on the path towards belonging.  It started with a sincere acceptance of a superior intelligence as a  source of light, clarity and love, and finally making that powerful connection in real and present time.  It is  paralleled by my growing love and admiration  for my patient son who has endured  and amazingly thrived in spite of what I didn't have to give him. I am certain that now the belonging is there and available for both of us. 

This sense of belonging continues to slowly develop becoming more like a bond, a knowing , a trust, a place , and connection that does not have to be lost or limited. What has previously come through my head is growing in the more fertile and productive realm of my heart and soul - where it truly "belongs".