Any Life But This One

Any Life But This One

I don't know when it started, but since I can remember, as a child , I always imagined a different life. I realize it's not unusual for children to have huge imaginations about being superheroes, fairy princesses, and a multitude of other characters with super human qualities, however, I don't think I ever got over wanting to be something more or somewhere other than what or where I was.

Whenever I checked myself out in the reality mirror the images that came to mind we're not of my liking. I was never pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, entertaining enough, accomplished enough, successful enough, or worth loving. Never.

My solutions were always striving for something greater or different than what I was at that moment. I chose things that others wouldn't dare to do. It starts with a history of being a single mother , running off to San Francisco, the hippie era and communal living. The rest is just a continuous process of always needing to achieve or appear to be different and interesting. I was never enough for myself, therefore always empty and seeking on the inside.  All my accomplishments became hollow victories and once the excitement was over it became time to move on to another challenge.

I eventually ran out of ideas and was left standing in the desert of my own imagination which was no longer capable of offering me a vehicle outside of my own self; to the promised land where I could finally be satisfied and happy. The only thing I had left was myself, living in my own life. It was a sad, fearful, and hopeless moment.

Perhaps I will expound on that dark time that ensued at that crossroad of stark awareness in another writing, but for now I realize that I had to get into total darkness to start to see some light. Today my life has become quite amazing and the viewpoint and perspective I have gained has changed everything.  MY LIFE has become the bigger and greater drama since I am now a participant and not the director. Being a part of a greater scheme increases the entertainment, excitement and enjoyment beyond my imagination. Not knowing what is going to happen is actually a more joyous way of being. Feeling assurance that, no matter what happens, I am being guided through the maze of events that is life has eliminated my fears and soothed my soul.  My purpose is to live this life and fulfill my role in the divine scheme of things, whatever that is. That's all.

Today, I would have no other life but my own. Today, I would not want to be anywhere else but where I am. Today, I belong and am at peace.  Today, it was all worth it.