I have grown to realize that I never was the type of person to stay in one place or have permanency and predictability in my life. Somehow choosing one path, one partner, one city, one house, or one profession generated a vision of completion. That vision, for me, was seeing the finish before I even got started in the race. It was like somebody telling me the end of the movie or the end of the book before it had been seen or read.
I could say that this is a defect in my character. I could say that this is a fear-based part of my personality. I have never wanted to know who I am with great certainty because I might never want to seek anything more or feel I could or should. I guess, one could say, I never wanted to be satisfied because satisfaction is the end of the road, at least for me.
So I have always been willing to make a complete change in my life. I've changed locations, jobs, careers, lovers, and husbands. I have given up all my possessions, accumulated more possessions, and repeated the process more than once. One might say that this is a very adventurous way of being, but on the other hand, it appears that I've been running away most of my life. Somehow, keeping the running shoes on meant that I was still alive, that the adventure was not over, and that I was not at the end of my road of life.
Ironically, I'm not afraid of dying (well maybe a little). I think I'm more afraid of boredom.
What I've come to understand is that the boredom is me feeling purposeless, disconnected from my heart and soul, and not feeling an important and significant part of this creation with an ability to tap into all its creativity.
I have suffered this affliction throughout my life and thus there came a time when that struggle was more difficult, almost insurmountable and spiritually fatal. Not today, however.
I have found that I can have that uncharted life and still be like a small vessel sailing into a big ocean, with no specific charted course, being open to and enjoying all the unknown experiences yet to come. However, because I have chosen to align myself in the stability of my spirit and soul, the constancy of my faith, the foundation of my principles, and the joy that has grown and rooted in my heart, my course is true and my true North has been found.
Though I still don't want or need to know exactly what the future holds, I don't feel wayward, lost, or confused about my choices. I have the most profound belief that I'm on the right course and my life is being guided from above. I also believe that even at the end there is another beginning. Oh joy!!
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