It's been a process...this life. I seem to have some level of contentment or acceptance that contributes to a steadier and less fluctuating balance in my daily living. Nothing seems to be of great surprise anymore. My expectations have been lowered so that disappointment is fairly benign and seems to produce more like a ripple in the stream rather than a tidal wave of unsettling and long lasting effects. My more global perspective on life, the history of repetitive behavior and outcomes, seems to have reduced the amount of emotional expenditure and receipt; the peaks and valleys that have been the roadmap of previous experiences. It is now easier to dodge the bullets and avoid the people, places, and things that notoriously triggered off undesirable feelings and consequences or unsustainable grandeur and ecstasy.
I thence forth have rationalized and considered that I may have reached a certain level of wisdom and understanding that reduces the fear of ambush and potential catastrophes of unknown or unexpected life events. But this has also led me to contemplate the possibility that I might have unconsciously stepped into the nebulous orbit of numbness, or lack of caring and concern, a disconnect as it were, as a bubble against worry, failure or disappointment. It may seem a very high philosophy to want nothing, expect nothing, and eliminate the bondage of personal desire. But my major concern today is I don't want to feel "nothing". I don't want to slowly slip into the void where "nothingness" is an object or a becoming instead of an adjective or a feeling of lightness, being closer and more in tune with the divine Source. It seems I tread a fine line. My serenity and peace are of major importance, but as I live in this world, my human experience still must encounter different levels of intensity of experience; a notable and valuable recognition of growth and change. I cannot be just a sideline observer of life. In order to grow, I cannot avoid or ignore the strong dynamics that make up this complex person and the effect by me and on me from all that exists and surrounds me.
Transformation, awareness, and enlightenment is still the ultimate goal. It doesn't mean that I become motionless in mind body and soul and I allow myself to be numb, buffeted as a feather in the wind with no connection, destination or choice. Becoming an identifiable entity who can reflect, respond and participate in a manner compelled by right action and connected and awakened intuition looms as the challenge for my sanity and salvation. Being alive is an action program as a part of humanity. .....sensing the true vibrations and responding in kind brings the the most vivid and vibrant motion and emotion to my expression and experience of being.
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