What Keeps Me Here

Today I'm reflecting on the things that keep me on this earth. I would like to say it's all the wondrous experiences I have had, living as long as I have, and being more adventurous than some. I would like to say it's all the relationships I have, the love, passion, desire, joy, and laughter shared with my fellow travelers. Though I know it's important for others, accumulating and amassing a lot of material possessions has definitely never been a primary goal of mine.
Strangely enough, I don't feel the weight of attachment for what others would consider the normal things that make life worth living.
But of all the things I have had and done, none of it holds me to this life.
What keeps me here Is my curiosity to know beneath the surface of what appears in front of me. What I seek is the knowing of a heavenly presence in this earthly life. I am not one to believe that we can only experience God's divinity after we are dead. Though that profoundness may be of a limited becoming, I still believe we can have the godly experience while we're alive on this earth. Sometimes I feel like I am standing on a mountaintop looking afar at the desired goal, and not knowing and having the tools to get there. The hardest thing for me is patience, one of the tools I need to even have a chance at this aspiration. Another might be the humility to understand the process. However, faith and surrender are truly essential to even attempt the goal. Without that faith, all of this might seem like a cruel joke and not worth the effort.
Ironically, what is frustrating and feels like an albatross around my neck, are all the limitations, shortcomings, ego-based concepts, and and personal desires that slow the progress. I have discovered that no matter how long I live, the same challenges confront me. I see them sometimes as lead weights on my feet that attach me to the gravity of earth and slow down any progress. If I could have my way, I would be given all the knowledge that I seek and not have this continuous struggle. But, in my imagination, that elevated sense of being could remove the lead weights from my feet and my purpose for existence would become nebulous. So I sometimes think that my challenges and chains are what hold me in check and keep me here. In the drama of my life, there has to be cues, lines to be said, actions to be taken that unfold the story that has been written. So without all these seemingly tedious dilemmas that are the very makeup of my part of the story, there would be no story. At least there would be no story with me in it and who knows how that would be a game changer in the great drama of existence. No one of us can decide or know what impact our life has in this world. As much as I would like to have a different role after all these years, the challenge is to embrace the one I have been given and play my part with great joy, gusto, drama, and sincerity. Even more profound is discovering a God experience where and how and when I least expect it. I still have so much to learn. That's what keeps me here.

Which Way to Go

Which Way to Go
I have been given this great opportunity in life. I can take my time, take a look around me, choose my actions, relationships, behaviors, and appreciation for whatever I feel is important. I almost have to see myself as a spoiled child who doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do, well, more or less as the pragmatics of life still require my attention. But putting aside all the mundane daily activities that can't be ignored, I stand at the threshold and, believe it or not, I don't know which way to go.
Self identity can be as confusing as lack of it. My hunger to engage and manifest is surpassed by my hesitation of choice, so I remain at a standstill. Well it's more like jogging in place but not moving forward, backward, or sideways.
I am using a mental and emotional barometer to sift out things that I've done in the past that weren't quite as exciting or meaningful. I am trying to get to the core of what I would identify as "part of my being" or things that made me feel joyful, purposeful, creative, and unique and special. But sometimes when I look at the pile of my accomplishments or talents, I feel lacking in tools. In other words, my ego is preventing me from being a useful tool in this universe, a cog in the works rather than the shining star that I think I should be.
In attempting to broaden my spiritual life, my inner understanding, and my connection with this universe, I have to realize that relating everything I am striving for to this miniscule part of it, me, certainly limits my vision of what's going on around me and diminishes my experience
I need new inner binoculars. I would love to see the world without worrying about how I relate to it. I would rather be responding, regardless of what my part is in it, and enjoy participating in the whole experience. In other words, when I compare myself in the world and come up lacking, the true experience of being alive is severely crippled. I am trying very hard not to make it about me. I want to be here because I know this is a beautiful, evolving awareness. I need to take my blinders off so I get a true 360° experience. For now, all I can do is keep heading towards the light. I keep hearing that it's the journey rather than the destination. So I guess I better get off the train tracks and get on a train. I may not know how I'm going to get there, but at least I know what direction I'm heading towards.

The Uncharted Life

The Uncharted Life
I have grown to realize that I never was the type of person to stay in one place or have permanency and predictability in my life. Somehow choosing one path, one partner, one city, one house, or one profession generated a vision of completion. That vision, for me, was seeing the finish before I even got started in the race. It was like somebody telling me the end of the movie or the end of the book before it had been seen or read.
I could say that this is a defect in my character. I could say that this is a fear-based part of my personality. I have never wanted to know who I am with great certainty because I might never want to seek anything more or feel I could or should. I guess, one could say, I never wanted to be satisfied because satisfaction is the end of the road, at least for me.
So I have always been willing to make a complete change in my life. I've changed locations, jobs, careers, lovers, and husbands. I have given up all my possessions, accumulated more possessions, and repeated the process more than once. One might say that this is a very adventurous way of being, but on the other hand, it appears that I've been running away most of my life. Somehow, keeping the running shoes on meant that I was still alive, that the adventure was not over, and that I was not at the end of my road of life.
Ironically, I'm not afraid of dying (well maybe a little). I think I'm more afraid of boredom.
What I've come to understand is that the boredom is me feeling purposeless, disconnected from my heart and soul, and not feeling an important and significant part of this creation with an ability to tap into all its creativity.
I have suffered this affliction throughout my life and thus there came a time when that struggle was more difficult, almost insurmountable and spiritually fatal. Not today, however.
I have found that I can have that uncharted life and still be like a small vessel sailing into a big ocean, with no specific charted course, being open to and enjoying all the unknown experiences yet to come. However, because I have chosen to align myself in the stability of my spirit and soul, the constancy of my faith, the foundation of my principles, and the joy that has grown and rooted in my heart, my course is true and my true North has been found.
Though I still don't want or need to know exactly what the future holds, I don't feel wayward, lost, or confused about my choices. I have the most profound belief that I'm on the right course and my life is being guided from above. I also believe that even at the end there is another beginning. Oh joy!!

Any Life But This One

Any Life But This One

I don't know when it started, but since I can remember, as a child , I always imagined a different life. I realize it's not unusual for children to have huge imaginations about being superheroes, fairy princesses, and a multitude of other characters with super human qualities, however, I don't think I ever got over wanting to be something more or somewhere other than what or where I was.

Whenever I checked myself out in the reality mirror the images that came to mind we're not of my liking. I was never pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, entertaining enough, accomplished enough, successful enough, or worth loving. Never.

My solutions were always striving for something greater or different than what I was at that moment. I chose things that others wouldn't dare to do. It starts with a history of being a single mother , running off to San Francisco, the hippie era and communal living. The rest is just a continuous process of always needing to achieve or appear to be different and interesting. I was never enough for myself, therefore always empty and seeking on the inside.  All my accomplishments became hollow victories and once the excitement was over it became time to move on to another challenge.

I eventually ran out of ideas and was left standing in the desert of my own imagination which was no longer capable of offering me a vehicle outside of my own self; to the promised land where I could finally be satisfied and happy. The only thing I had left was myself, living in my own life. It was a sad, fearful, and hopeless moment.

Perhaps I will expound on that dark time that ensued at that crossroad of stark awareness in another writing, but for now I realize that I had to get into total darkness to start to see some light. Today my life has become quite amazing and the viewpoint and perspective I have gained has changed everything.  MY LIFE has become the bigger and greater drama since I am now a participant and not the director. Being a part of a greater scheme increases the entertainment, excitement and enjoyment beyond my imagination. Not knowing what is going to happen is actually a more joyous way of being. Feeling assurance that, no matter what happens, I am being guided through the maze of events that is life has eliminated my fears and soothed my soul.  My purpose is to live this life and fulfill my role in the divine scheme of things, whatever that is. That's all.

Today, I would have no other life but my own. Today, I would not want to be anywhere else but where I am. Today, I belong and am at peace.  Today, it was all worth it.

The Inner Age Struggle

I am experiencing a personal, internal conundrum. My inside does not match my outside. I know others are faced with similar confusion at some point in life and respond accordingly.
For some, the life unfolding process from a youthful budding persona slows to a acceptable and expected halt. It takes the wind out of the sails; aging and surrendering to the diminished interest in life and personal discoveries, physical limitations and inspiration, and personal desire.
For others, they fight tooth and nail to defy the lackluster defeat and the slow and insidious decay reflected in that daily visitation with the mirror. Whether the choice be artificial means to literally mask the deteriorating changes, buying expensive sport cars and getting hair plugs, or choosing clothing that represent a much younger lifestyle and appearance, the battle rages on and it is a fight to the finish.
For me, at least for this moment , it's neither one, though I have visited both encampments. Unexpectedly, my life has taken an amazing turn, and though the years are indelibly recorded on my physical odometer reading, I feel a newness that belies this status. I stand between what I have done and where I have been , and what I still might have an opportunity to do and become. It's not even a case of dreams anymore. It's a case of being offered the unknown life that I haven't had the chance to experience. I have been wandering through my life with half vision. I've only seen half truths; half of the opportunities and their worth, half of who I am, and half of who I thought everyone else was, and not always the better half. By letting go of my limited perception and direction, I have been given a chance to see and participate in the bigger, clearer picture. It's an amazing gift to receive at this stage of life to feel youthful joy for unknown possibilities, understanding, and experiences in this seasoned chassis. Who would've thought......

What I Need to Know

What I need to know.

I was born with a very inquisitive spirit and a pondering mind.  The need to know, the whys and the whens and the hows, was strong in me but not about mundane topics, rather the mystical and unfathomable possibilities outside our day to day existence.  I have always been impressed with the fantastic and profound, the surreal and the unseen, and enjoyed the methods and people who could elevate my vision and perception of my ordinary life to an extraordinary one. By being able to see the world and life as an expansive yet hidden concept, not visible to the ordinary person, allowed me entrance into a secret society of "knowers" , a fraternity of seekers with the truest grasp of the meaning of existence. That inner belonging made it more bearable to exist in a world of darkness and ignorance, but it also separated me from humanity, the part of humanity I have seen as different, inane, foolish, and uncaring.  As long as I have believed I live separately because of my special powers associated with my allegiance to the higher awareness, the REAL world where knowledge and power are pure and divine consciousness reigns supreme, I have limited the possibility of that knowing in my own simple life.  And, as of late, I have become vividly aware of my status in the world even with all this great knowing- I am just like all those around me whom I have judged; inane, foolish, selfish and ignorant.
Does this awareness mean that all I have seen and felt about the vast universal and divine concepts are invalid ? Quite the contrary, it has taken on an even more profound meaning for me. My need to know and understand has taken on a simpler but greater approach. In knowing my connection with my divine being, I love my life and soul much better.  I realize that that being exists in each moment , each person, each thing I encounter every minute. Understanding my past gives me hope for my future but what I NEED to know is where I stand at this moment - my present. Who I am at this moment - my principles.  How will I express myself to the world around me and participate in the continuum of a conscious and beautiful existence- my soul.   Who I belong to and who I thank each day for my light and life - my God. This is all I need to know today.


Sent from my iPhone

Gifts of Self or Selfish Gifts

Gifts of Self or Selfish Gifts

I like giving gifts to people, especially unexpected ones. I also have admired my talent for paying keen attention to words or phrases that dropped casually from the lips of a friend, unknowingly, revealing a desire or secret wish.  I could then pounce on that sly opportunity and produce the desired object, see the look of surprise and admiration for my intuitive and generous spirit,  and revel in a personal and private achievement award from myself to myself for a worthy and successful surprise gift. There was always great joy given and received but I wasn't always certain if I was doing it more for me than for them.  Being generous has always come easily for me but being unique and memorable has always been of most importance. Hence the concern for my imbalance in generosity or selfish motivation.

So I decided to try to imagine generosity without any strings attached and without my need to get a badge of recognition.  The start up process for me is to try to get my heart aligned;  no selfish motives or hidden agendas, coming from a place of love for my fellow man, and putting my attention towards another's needs rather than my own.
With this foundation I can be present and aware of myself with another person. Without personal distraction I may find opportunities to give the best gift of all - myself.   It may not be grand in presentation.  It may be subtle as lending an attentive ear, helping do dishes, or running an errand, but what I aim for is to be genuine in my generosity.  This doesn't mean I won't buy a gift or treat a friend to lunch but keeping the balance is good for my soul.