What Keeps Me Here

Today I'm reflecting on the things that keep me on this earth. I would like to say it's all the wondrous experiences I have had, living as long as I have, and being more adventurous than some. I would like to say it's all the relationships I have, the love, passion, desire, joy, and laughter shared with my fellow travelers. Though I know it's important for others, accumulating and amassing a lot of material possessions has definitely never been a primary goal of mine.
Strangely enough, I don't feel the weight of attachment for what others would consider the normal things that make life worth living.
But of all the things I have had and done, none of it holds me to this life.
What keeps me here Is my curiosity to know beneath the surface of what appears in front of me. What I seek is the knowing of a heavenly presence in this earthly life. I am not one to believe that we can only experience God's divinity after we are dead. Though that profoundness may be of a limited becoming, I still believe we can have the godly experience while we're alive on this earth. Sometimes I feel like I am standing on a mountaintop looking afar at the desired goal, and not knowing and having the tools to get there. The hardest thing for me is patience, one of the tools I need to even have a chance at this aspiration. Another might be the humility to understand the process. However, faith and surrender are truly essential to even attempt the goal. Without that faith, all of this might seem like a cruel joke and not worth the effort.
Ironically, what is frustrating and feels like an albatross around my neck, are all the limitations, shortcomings, ego-based concepts, and and personal desires that slow the progress. I have discovered that no matter how long I live, the same challenges confront me. I see them sometimes as lead weights on my feet that attach me to the gravity of earth and slow down any progress. If I could have my way, I would be given all the knowledge that I seek and not have this continuous struggle. But, in my imagination, that elevated sense of being could remove the lead weights from my feet and my purpose for existence would become nebulous. So I sometimes think that my challenges and chains are what hold me in check and keep me here. In the drama of my life, there has to be cues, lines to be said, actions to be taken that unfold the story that has been written. So without all these seemingly tedious dilemmas that are the very makeup of my part of the story, there would be no story. At least there would be no story with me in it and who knows how that would be a game changer in the great drama of existence. No one of us can decide or know what impact our life has in this world. As much as I would like to have a different role after all these years, the challenge is to embrace the one I have been given and play my part with great joy, gusto, drama, and sincerity. Even more profound is discovering a God experience where and how and when I least expect it. I still have so much to learn. That's what keeps me here.