Spiritual Innocence

It is my conception that we came here as pure light, pure breath, and pure mind. Born, we immediately were flooded with the myriad of sounds, colors, and vibrations emanating from the people and things surrounding our vast and unadulterated consciousness. That pure innocence and clarity, without prejudice or preconception, was destined to be narrowed and clouded by the familiarity of individual joy, fear, and need. The intuitive knowing and profound perception of each minute detail slowly softened and numbed as the world we grew in told a different story of existence and becoming. What we should be, what we should feel, and how we should behave and appear in this world inevitably shrouded our simple understanding of self and soul. The labyrinth of life we traversed became our dark and light; our echoes and songs of success and failure. The measuring stick of who we were was infected by you looking at me, and me looking at you for affirmation, victory, or surrender.
Some of us were taught about God and a spiritual life and introduced to a limited version of that meaning and significance. Some of us were told emphatically that there was nothing while others experienced such despair or disappointment that believing in a spiritual being who supposedly controlled that painful universe was a bitter pill that was spat out with defiance and disdain. Such ingrained beliefs inevitably became an important catalyst towards identifying self. But rarely has there been a human who has not been faced with life changing events of mind, heart and spirit that has not called out to a being greater then himself, challenging his personal doubt and testing the truth of that divine existence.
As I continue living, I have found that my life has been a series of self seeking events, driven by my need to know, control and assuage my burgeoning ego, and sometimes just trying not to feel lost. It has also been motivated by a deep searching for connection and belonging which has always brought me back to my desire to connect with my higher conscious becoming. It feels as though I must return to my original spiritual innocence in order to achieve the most serenity and the clearest path. For it takes my daily surrender, humility and pure intention to attempt such a goal. I seek that space of knowing without thinking, feeling without desire, and being present rather than preoccupied. I continue to peel away at the layers that have covered my being and make continuous attempts to find that core, that beginning, that beautiful purity of Heart and soul from whence I know I came.

Past Actions , Outcomes and Free Will

I have previously drowned myself in the concept that I'm not living up to my potential; that there was something I was supposed to be doing that I was not doing. Most of my endeavors have been to fill in space with things that I thought would be fulfilling and follow the genetic propulsion to live and experience life.  When I have been driven by my own concepts of fate versus free will, it's hard to determine what is required and what is desired.
It has come to light ( for me anyway ) that free will is a gift given to us. Those who have a concept of a divine source may feel that this divinity is the cause and reason for everything. That includes all the bad things that happen as well as the good. My sense of Divinity is the order of the universe where balance and harmony exist. As a human being with free will, I have a choice in either direction. If I follow my ego-based perception, my actions will create outcomes relevant to that perspective. If I strive to understand the more spiritual rationale for my actions, I can move with a harmonious dance in my life. If I choose to ignore the conscious, higher directive, there will always be the possibility of chaos and disillusionment. Is it possible, that my concept of what is the right thing to do, feel , or say could possibly upset the balance of the universe I live in and contribute to the confusion and pain? After reflecting on my past actions and outcomes, I would have to say emphatically yes.
We can choose to follow our own self-will or we can choose to tap into a higher consciousness that has a much better perspective on our actions and their outcomes globally rather than just in our fishbowl of existence. Defining our spiritual principles and guiding force stabilizes behavior and actions in the future. If there is a code of living that is more in tune with harmonizing with humanity, we can choose to be a participant or ignore the effect our selfish and unconscious behavior generates. Our past life is an easy roadmap for these choices. If we take a personal inventory and reflect on past behavior and results, this concept is an easy one to understand. These higher principles remain available even if we choose to ignore them. Though life is not a video game that you can just restart, changing the way we play the game is always an option. We always have that choice.

The Right Dose of Love

Recognize any of these?
Love your fellow man.
Love is all there is.
Love thy neighbor as thyself
"all you need is love" .... (Beatles)
I'm totally in love with you

The question it brings to my mind is what type of love is required, requested, or remaining toward those we would express such feelings? Desire and passion combined with personal wants and needs seem to be high on the list when love is mentioned or considered. Love of children, country and family are also easy targets for acceptable expressions of a loving nature.
But giving and finding a kind and loving expression in our human behavior is a rare and precious commodity in a world usually mired in confusion, fear, and need. Exacting the perfect and conscious provision of love requires reflection and thought. For some we can offer unending devotion, affection and concern (children and most family members). For others, love can translate to admiration, kindness and respect. Depending on who is receiving these feelings we cannot be certain when the translation or reception is clear. I have found that those of us who have the ability to be generously open and attentive to others may sometimes generate an unexpected level of apparent intimacy with a needier person who struggles to locate such liaisons in their daily lives. As this is not mutually shared, hurt, disappointment, and confusion can ensue.

So how do we temper our behavior and withhold the over abundance that creates that imbalance in relationships? When are we enough or too much? I struggle with that balance. All I can do is check my motivations. If overdoing, over sharing, or over expressing myself to another for personal recognition is my underlying, subconscious motive, it's probably not going to be as healthy and balanced of a relationship. If, however, it comes from just general compassion and concern for another person it may create a more lasting, real, and productive connection that can grow and thrive. I don't want to unconsciously use people for my daily mirror. I want to be useful, kind and empathetic. I want to be and give just enough. I may not get it right today but I will certainly try better each tomorrow.

The Provocation of Change

Change, being a necessary but inevitable part of life, generally shows up at the most unexpected moments. Relationships ebb and flow and the shadows of age slowly creep up and hinder quick action and thinking. Even wrinkles seem to suddenly emerge in the mirror though we knew of their eventual appearance. Shocked we may be but changed we are.
The more subtle changes can occur like the haircut that grows into it's best becoming only to fade shortly thereafter into an unpleasant and unmanageable mess. It's that type of joyous oblivious moment where we feel on top of everything, fearless and satisfied with our accomplishments and acquired grace and talents, when the underdeveloped emotions or thoughts ambush our sense of well-being. We may be reduced to a level that we thought was overcome, gone and replaced with all this wisdom and status we imagine that has been attained. Sucker! What a humbling experience to be transported back in time to the shy or boasting, fearful or headstrong, self conscious being that we hoped had disappeared with time.
There ever remains a living, vivid memory of past sorrows, challenges and short comings inside the depths of our subconscious and can surface with the perfect stimulation.
I consider these times as an opportunity to measure my growth. Though the weaker side may surface I depend on my soul conscience to not only change my attitude and action but assist in creating a better outcome than I had in the past. So I learn. I progress. I change.

One moment at a time

It is an ironic moment when you realize that something you said without any intention of influencing a person is taken with such great joy and inspiration. I write this letter of love from this unexpected event.
It is to a young lady who is on the brink of life. She has enthusiasm and great love for her husband and child and is a very hard worker. She has aspirations to get her nursing license in order to make a better future for her and her family. Something I said, unbeknownst to me, made a significant difference in her perspective of her future. It is with great gratitude that I embrace the love that allows moments of clarity to penetrate the clouds in our mind. It reminds me that at any moment a joyful and spiritual epiphany can turn the corner of what was once a dimly lit hallway Into an open, bright and beautiful landscape.
She took a moment to tell me that I had changed her life.
It's an appreciation for the air we breathe, the light that shines on us and the gift of an unknown simplicity that gives us the greatest joy. Her Joy brought me joy and humbled me.

Being Honest

Being Honest
I used to say "Truth is highly overrated " because speaking the "truth" usually meant revealing unknown thoughts, attitudes, personal judgement of another, actions, and past events that may or may not be desirable to share. I have always been concerned about how people saw me and what image I was endeavoring to create or maintain. I also judged others who did not filter their words and took the license of revealing their "truth" at the expense of another's feelings. Whether that need to reveal their important "truth" was a fleeting reaction or a longstanding opinion, the consequences of their revelations remained inconsequential to their uncontrollable need to be heard. Part of me held resentment and part of me had admiration for the ability to be without concern for others feelings and be able to stick to "thine own self be true" paradigm.
My endeavor is to find the balance between what I need to say and what I don't; what I need to do and what I don't. Words can be just as devastating, if not more, than a blow to the body. Rather than deliver a blow I am trying to temper my expressions of self towards another with a pause, a thought and an awareness of what is necessary to establish boundaries in relationships without destroying or maiming an oblivious person. It might be easy to hurt someone in their vulnerable chink of their emotional armor but it becomes a shallow Pyrrhic victory if you can only stand alone in your right-ness.
Today I choose to act when necessary and with a conscious choice of what is absolutely necessary for balance and clarity. We cannot assume others know who we are or what we need. I'd rather give the benefit of the doubt that no one is trying to take advantage or wishes harm to me. I pray for grace in making right decisions and being a part of awakening and elevating the humanity who comes along my path rather than be a warrior and destroyer leaving a wake of destruction and emptiness. It's not my job to fix everyone; just me.