QUIET FEARLESSNESS

When I hear the word fear many images arise. I see sweat, wide-eyes and tremblingly.   I hear the elevated and intense pounding of a beating heart and rapid anxious breaths.  I can even smell the fear of the unknown next moment, usually imagined as horrific, scary, and threatening.  Fear is Paralyzing not just in the moment but perpetually if it attaches itself like a virus to our soul and psyche. I can only describe it as an exaggerated reaction when security or control is taken (or unconsciously given) away. Justifiably there are circumstances that absolutely confirm the necessity for such extreme fear, but in my life most of the fears I have seen myself or others react to were more imagined and exaggerated than real in a specific moment. They may have been rooted in a personal experience or someone else's tale of trauma but they seem to persist long after their expiration date.  To me, those fears are more dangerous as they become a prison and we can become the prisoner without even seeing the bars.

Then there is also the contrasting image of fear - the daring or unexpected hero who, like a hunter trying to flush out his prey, or an accidental tourist stumbling into unexpected trouble, responds to suffocating fear by action, loudly and with daring, refusing to be suffocated by his urgent or childish fears.   The fear exists but the determination overrides the past and some breakthrough occurs ,a victory over  enemy fear,  at least for that moment.   It appears as fearlessness, bravery and an undaunted spirit but more likely to be the instinct to survive or save another.  Each time another mountain appears that needs to be climbed the memory of triumph may once again inspire him to wage war against the dormant shackles of fear and doubt but the fear is ever-present and the hero may feel uncertain of his being able to muster continued bravery and perseverence.

I have been in both camps in my lifetime. I have, however, found another.

This fearlessness resides in a pool of quiet faith and contemplation. It relies on the knowledge that there is a spirit of life, an energetic balance that surrounds and embraces.  It does not ponder what might be but only what there is today. It is neither diminished by the past nor concerned about the greatness or failure of the future. Repetition and application of this position, this stance,  this faith, in spite of the  swirling  currents of life that could unsettle the spirit and mind can dispell that unknown anticipation and replace it with the wide eyes surety of stepping carefully into the next moment fearlessly. Staying in the moment , not projecting past into future allows for response instead of reaction, with faith instead of fear. 'If you are handed it, you can handle it"..... No fear.

SITTING QUIETLY OR DOING NOTHING

I was brought up to under the influence that if you weren't "doing something" you were wasting time. Later it was if you aren't creating, projecting into the future, lasooing the next big dream or opportunity, or multitasking more fun into your busy schedule you were either lazy or lacking in enthusiasm, ability and imagination. Loser. It's tiring just imagining that pace let alone trying to live it.

This measurement of productivity appeared to be calculated by how much physical achievements one could manifest in the least amount of time. The only time "doing nothing"  was an acceptable hiatus from activity was when we were on vacation and we're given temporary permission to put aside work related to duties and success. Much of the need for over scheduled activity can be attributed to anxiousness and fear of missing something or appearing unproductive and wasteful. The ultimate goal was to wring out every last drop of life we were owed by all this blood sweat and tears.

However, lately I have discovered that the highest and purest vibration and visions of my deepest life, appreciation  and fulfillment  are far better received and absorbed when I am quiet, inside and out. Doing nothing has ceased to be a lack of activity but a conscious choice to become a receiver rather than an unconscious, driven, perpetual doer. Then can my world, or the experience of my world broaden and expand.  What I hear when I'm not too busy to listen, what I see when I am not trying to be selective, and what I feel when I have no specific agenda far exceeds my imagination if I just sit for a while and "do nothing". I have come to find its truly something.

What I Do not Know

I've been writing for a while. Mostly I've written about things I've come to understand and perspectives that have shown me a better approach towards living. But some of the other Treasures that this inner travel and somewhat intensive preponderance has also allowed me to receive is the understanding and recognition of what I don't know how to handle or do.

In the past I probably would have been ashamed, shy or depressed about these hidden disappointments, foolish actions and failed outcomes and spent too much focus and time trying to prevent their discovery. This internal temporary suicide and soul betrayal created an image of an undesirable character with no hope of contentedness or true happiness. I recall experiencing great pain upon the repeated discovery of my short lived hope.

 Today, though, I consider an appropriate apportionment of importance for my successes or shortcomings.  My successes have far outweighed my failures. I accept that perception and believe it to be true. However, I am perfectly willing and enthusiastic to learn more and act differently than before. I may never know how to fix my weaker areas perfectly but I can use my "roadmap" of my past to at least not repeat the same pattern.

Rather than see myself as a rock with finite edges and borders, I choose to see myself as an ever-growing tree, with roots deeper and branches wider always aiming towards the ever present, ever available light.

Changing Pace, Adding Space

I am in SLO MO. I have lost the motivation to be speedy,  grasp more, or interact constantly.  My dance has changed from salsa to waltz and music from Rock band to orchestra. The hurried version of viewing and experiencing life whereby I barely glimpsed at the people and situations I encountered left sketchy memories and blurry pictures filed in my memoirs. I always wondered why I couldn't remember significant portions of my life. In my urgency to find what I thought I wanted, I treated life situations like going to a garage sale and barely scanning the many undesirable discards hoping to find at least one thing I might want. If it wasn't as I had hoped or imagined I probably paid little attention to anything that crossed my path or even presented itself as a possible gift to my life.  I missed a lot, forgot a lot and ignored a lot. It's no wonder I came to a summary of self much lacking in joy or satisfaction.

This slower motion adds more "pixels" to my absorption of each moment, more space between breaths and memories.  The experiences are becoming more memorable, more personal, and real. I can sit here today with minimal judgement or expectation of what this day might look like and provide. I am not in a rush to get to where I think I am supposed to be but rather accept and receive the inspiration of today. I hook up with my spiritual "internet" and try to get the message or assignment designed to utilize my energy in the best way possible. I may not have a duty roster as in the past but I know, if nothing else, I choose to contribute to life rather than just take or believe I deserve more than my share. And in SLO MO, the gift is more seeing, feeling, receiving and remembering. Today a minute could contain a significant page of my history and a day could be a lifetime.  And today, I just might remember it. 

THE WINDS OF LEAST RESISTANCE

• I have been traveling in the lands of vast open spaces and forceful gusts of wind that can come from any direction at any time. It is obvious that the timing and effect their presence has on anything and anyone in their path is of no concern of the wind children of Mother Nature.  From my distant position,  the landscape is broad, and allows for a detached yet vivid perspective  of the effect caused by these uninvited guests with their random and sometimes obnoxious behavior. Whether it's a tumbleweed being pushed across a barren terrain, or a tree being snapped in half or uprooted from its home, at a distance,  the difference in significance may be negligible . At least, as a one man audience in a momentarily empty theater, I can be critic, viewer, and editor of the scenes playing out before me.  It's nature and it's definitely clear that she was here first and holds that position with Grace and power but has no personal vendetta against those in her path.

On the flip side of that, I have experienced the torment and fear that accompanies experiencing such uncontrollable forces of nature when you are in the midst of her turmoil. I grew up with hurricanes and have experienced ice storms, flooding, earthquakes, and torrential rain storms, snow and  100 % humidity with a brief encounter of monsoons.  When you're in it, there is a great uncertainty as to how long it will last and how it will affect you and what possible actions would assist you with "weathering" these conditions.  It has certainly been that way for me.   I felt humbled and totally not in control of any circumstance or outcome.

But does this not parallel my life as I know it? Have I not  perceived turmoil and unexpected discord in the world as well as in individual lives as if viewing it from a distance ? Have I not been detached and possibly uncaring to the effects of forced or accidental calamity to others, near or far from my inner circle of being, and felt little or no compassion, concern or connection?  Must it happen directly to me or to those close to me before I'm finally willing to be generous with my goodwill or consolation, hope and help? And in the midst of  life's perplexities or apparent potential disasters do I take it personally and curse the heavens, or do I stand still in quiet faith and fearlessness and let the winds of change and disruption swirl and dance around me?

 Fighting life and the events that come with it has ceased to be a battleground for me. Anger and frustrating thoughts do not provide an answer, solution, or peace. What I cannot control I need to learn to accept. What I can change, I need to be open and willing to try. I no longer feel like a victim of life but rather a passenger or a traveler.  I have been given a ticket here by my Birthright, and a spiritual suitcase in which to carry my treasures, my gifts, or my burdens. I have learned not to fight the winds but rather to await the time of their subsiding or the change in the weather pattern. I am guaranteed that nothing and no one around me will remain the same, but I finally know that I have the opportunity to change and "go with the flow"  with the winds of least resistance.  I no longer feel removed from the emotions that life triggers, particularly by the unexpected twists and turns.   I have the ability to feel it without holding onto it and distorting my perception of the future. I have no answer as to why the way the world is how it is. I cannot decide who or what to fix first and how to do it. I finally figured out that that's not my job. However, I can certainly be a good representative of living within the Winds of Change by not being blown over by them. Maybe I can be like a hot air balloon that ceases to resist the wind currents but goes with them where they direct. It's a pretty good view from there, and in that quietness and peace that is where I want to be when I'm on the ground and amidst the throngs. I'm trying to take life only as seriously as is necessary today. I live in the Light Of Hope and believe that I will be given the right direction if I'm open and willing to ask for it.
I am a traveler, like you. So when we meet, as some of us surely will, may I bring a gift to you. May my presence be like a soft breeze that is comforting , soothing and welcoming.  May it promote a mutual invitation of momentary surrender, openness and recognition. And may we add another gift to and leave behind one burden from our spiritual suitcases.

JOURNEYING TO HUMANITY

Traveling and journeying definitely are my themes at present because, as I mentioned earlier, I literally am on a trip around the United States. I have put all my worldly goods in storage that I elected to keep (contained in a 5 x 10 storage space), minus the basic essentials for surviving and thriving in my 18 ft camper/trailer that I travel and live in at present.   My goal is to see how little I need to survive and be happy at the same time.  It's quite a lift to let go of material things  However, this has not been the first time I have rid myself of most material possessions.  It's probably the 3rd or fourth time. I have chosen to do so while married, because of the marriage dissolving, and during a spiritual crisis which required me to hurriedly detach from the past, at least apparently and temporarily.

Am I just a neurotic personality that can't be at peace?  In the past, I would agree that running away from or to something or someone seemed to solve a lot of issues. As anyone may well know or has experienced, that is always a temporary fix. Ultimately, I realized that the world was not the problem, the situation was not the problem; I was the problem. No matter where I went, there I was. Having realigned my spiritual and moral compass, and having surrendered to the goodness in me and my life, I would say that this is definitely the first time I feel free from the inside out and my motivation is a Higher One. I definitely want to feel more life and contribute, at the very least, by adding to balancing the harmony and connected compassion that is so lost yet so desperately necessary in today's world. I have discovered, for me, that sitting quietly in meditation and secluding myself from Humanity creates a contradiction in my soul. I read once in a book of self-improvement, that  "if you want peace, you have to be peace.". Refreshing one's soul with the beauty that nature provides is sometimes like being reborn but finding that same amazing sense of wonder, balance and assurance, even when one is in the midst of the chaos and the cacophony of apparent human confusion and discord, that would be the greatest achievement of all.  I am not traveling to separate myself. I'm expanding to offer myself and to be received and to receive in return. It's Humanity I have run from and it is Humanity that I move closer towards. I believe the secrets of the universe are not just in the heavens and the stars and the mountains and the oceans but within the souls of all of us, of humanity.  I have mistaken mine, in the past,  as a punishment or torment,  rather than a gift with a purpose. . I have felt that Humanity has been the  cause of my dissatisfaction rather than the answer to my prayers.  I don't want to be greater than or less than anyone. I just want to know what it feels like to be part of The One that lives in us all.
So my journey is from here to humanity.

COBWEB REMOVAL. HOUSECLEANING of the Travelling Mind

I have always been a traveler in my mind. I think I've mentioned before that I always wanted to be anywhere but where I was so the only place that permitted such adventure or hopeful possibility for temporary excitement, was in my mind. That's probably why I was an avid reader because for a brief period of time, I could be anywhere experiencing other varieties of places, people and events that distracted me from my own temporary lack of imagination.  Similarly, I  have had the ability to recall things, possibly not as they truly happened, but as I imagined or choose to believe they happened.

So in addition to that wing of fancy in my mental mansion, there were also rooms that housed decaying debris of disappointments, dusty trophies of forgotten fun, and shards of broken glass where light and color  and warmth of memories once shone.  It has been my own house of thought and experiences, but sometimes I felt a prisoner.

But now, during this stage of my life duly dubbed as a spring cleaning of my mind and soul, the automatic associations from the past do not occur nearly as frequently as they did before. I'm on this great adventure, literally.  I can go at my own pace, where I want, and visit places and old friends anew. This however is  not your standard retirement sojourn across the vast expanse for lack of anything else to do, but an open invitation for my life to expand. It feels big only because my door is open. I am drinking in the world around me and feeling my place in it.  Cobwebs which bound the past to me are being swept away. The dust is being removed and the memories are being put into place where they can be recalled without distraction and dislike.  Nostalgia or morbid reflection is being replaced with recollection and  recognition. I'm beginning to realize that I am from whence I came but that doesn't limit where I'm going. So today I'm looking at this beautiful sky while I'm in New Mexico and I just feel its beauty and its vastness and eternity beyond my touch and human comprehension. I have no thought of past or future.  I'm just here today without dust or clutter because , at least at this moment, with Grace, the cobwebs are not visible nor blocking my view.