Spirit, Our New BFF

Spirit, Our New BFF

I have struggled with a comfortable way of relating to a spirit, The Divine Spirit, God, the Source.......  But I have already taken the leap of faith, put stock in and received comfort from the acceptance and knowing of this existence. The toughest part is finding a direct contact and relationship that works in this day to day, apparently unspiritual, world that we all live in.

 If I only think of the Big Guy in the Sky theory, he is too far away and unavailable for a lowly peon like myself.  But by keeping God or the idea of one, personal, up close and available I have begun to sense, communicate with,  and develop an individual friendship with this Spirit of Oneness. If all things are possible in the world of Spirit, then my development in that relationship is as important and unique as all parts of creation.  When I think of my Spirit connection it has now become a personal friend who has my back, knows and loves me without hesitation, helps me see the bigger and better picture if I am open to that,  and always with me, for me, and loyal to me until the end of my days. It is my truest friend I can imagine.  Not imaginary in the sense that it is unreal, but imagined and experienced through my real world. There is a balance, a peace and serenity in this acceptance and a fearlessness when facing each new day. This Spirit friend ever remains the perfect fit and allows my human experience to have a mystical beauty within its path. I now sense the safety of a light and a spiritual friend to show me the way -  Now I am no longer lost and no longer alone. Flying solo without a clear direction or specific destination is highly overrated. Rather than Spirit being my copilot, I am presently and happily along for the ride.  

Blood or Nectar?

Blood or Nectar?

For me, the truest, most vivid, and memorable growth comes after great difficulty and is usually accompanied by some level of pain. The indelible scar or mark left after the challenge in life that redirects our course in understanding and action, may eventually heal but forever remain as the testimony of that significant event. Not unlike the old arthritic knee, the twinges and reminders of past life events may not be bothersome each day but prevent us from returning to our former uninhibited (and occasionally misguided) selves, by flaring up in an unexpected moment lest  we forget our past lessons and outcomes. 

But rather than see life as the inevitable torture chamber of growth we could turn the vice-like vision, the squeezing out of life blood,  as the God of Nectar extracting the best and sweetest essence that lives within our selves.  We are here to savor, taste and imbibe in the drops of sweetness, joy, and love that are extracted from the fruits of our experience and become aware of their value from how they were obtained. In this knowing, the intoxication from the nectar of life seems to last longer and taste sweeter as my time goes by. 

The Pragmatic Spiritualist.

The Pragmatic Spiritualist

When I think of the word "pragmatic" it conjures up the image of practical actions based on obvious outcomes that consistently produce desirable consequences. The emphasis is on tried and true evidence that can be replicated with consistency and a certain amount of predictability.   

On the flip side when I consider the word spirituality it would appear to be the opposite characteristic - formless, immaterial, unbodied, unsubstantial, and indescribable. 

We as humans seem to have a need for both, predictability and physical security as well as the spiritual food that sustains a hungry and aspiring soul. So how does one become a pragmatic spiritualist, the synthesis of both worlds?  How does one join a  concrete, defined and predictable, earthly persona with the spiritual, ethereal and nonmaterial aspect of a being of soul and not feel spiritually and emotionally schizophrenic? 

As long as I consider them to be opposite and disconnected from each other it could create a lifelong conflict, a veritable tug of war between the seen and unseen; the intellect and the intuition UNLESS I choose to join them In a harmonious balance of the Yin and Yang of Spirit, the paradox of the divinity living inside each limited form and each individual a part of the broad and calculated scope of the Source, the most Pragmatic of all Spiritualists. Just because I don't understand how to bridge these two worlds does not mean it isn't possible.  If I only base my literal understanding of life on the obvious physical world, spirituality adds only confusion, like looking at modern art you can't connect to. If the puzzle that is life is allowed to expand beyond the borders of my need for linear and plausible visual aids, the impossible can become possible, the implausible plausible. 

For me it has to be both. As borderless as my spiritual thoughts are, believing  and knowing of the existence of Source and divinity in me and around me and postulating means nothing for me if there is no way to connect and feel its existence right here and now. All the spirituality I have must be revealed and manifested in my daily life through action, thought, word and feelings.  I choose to live as though it already exists and that it is perfectly plausible and obvious, limited only by my narrow understanding.   With that connection established I recognize that I have been given an intuitive road map for the spiritual part of the journey as well as evidence from those before me and with me who provided examples of our human responsibilities, challenges and rewards. I have the choice of applying these experiences and tools, and I do. So far, the outcomes of this way of being, human and practical, soulful and spiritual, has reinforced for me that it produces good outcomes, is measurable by my amount of serenity and joy, replicable by inspired behavior that can be used over and over to generate well being in me and in others, and spiritual as it connects me to the Source and The Oneness that makes me whole.  As usual though, it's a work in progress. 

To the Love I Have Yet To Find

I am sensing you through the touch of others. There is a part of you in all the hearts I have known. I find sweetness in the eyes of laughter. I find fragments of that joy when my heart is touched by one of the lovely souls that comes into my orbit. But it is only fleeting as none of them are meant to stay and be with me, so I must repeatedly experience the pain of loss and emptiness and longing. The paradox is that the soul must be full and beautiful and ready to love in order to receive and recognize true love. Emptiness, neediness, and desire have never invited or created the most loving or lasting relationships.

It is I who forestall the union of hearts as I must be kinder to myself,  the person to be loved. I must be steadfast in that mission and truer to the course as one who awaits a gift only given in its own and unexpected time. To find that true soul I must find my own and love my own precious and divine self.

To those I have placed in the path of my inexperienced and handicapped attempt at sincerity in relationship , I can only ask forgiveness for my awkward and unfulfilling attempt at giving and receiving love. It always ended up with me wanting more than I was able to give. I only hope, as it has been for me, that you have reaped the benefit of our momentary connection or collision and were inspired to acknowledge that you deserve more and better. May you also have found the eternal love from which  all true love blossoms and thrives.

When I originally wrote this, I was honestly pondering and wishing for a soul partner in my life. For me, that is the one true deeper love experience when two souls and hearts recognize each other from the inside out. I have since begun to realize that this letter is directed at the truest love of my life which is The Spiritual Essence and caretaker of my soul.  However, as a human, I look for that essence and reflection in a physical form. I think we all do. May we all become and find the one that elevates our souls and helps us feel whole and abiding in the Beloved embrace. 

The Infinite Human Experience

The Infinite human experience

Life, my life, your life, our life (and I do mean our life since I see it all connected as one huge thing not just separate multiple ones) is a curious, amazing, frustrating, profound, confusing and remarkable experience. The longer I am here the broader and simpler it becomes.  In other words, outside of scientific, artistic, and man made creations,  the root and core of our existence has not changed significantly. The human struggle, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually repeats itself over and over.  

This replication of experience and struggle throughout the generations of mankind is a  a marvel  to contemplate. As often as we see it, read about it, remember it, or discuss it, we have done very little to change it.  And can we? 

Is this merely the rat-in-the-maze parallel universe humans are unknowingly repeating, with very little difference in  response to behavior based on joy or pain, desire, fulfillment, generosity  or self- destruction? 

Amazingly enough, it would appear that as long as we see ourselves as merely individuals, egocentric beings that seek only self stimulation and self-fulfillment, then, I would venture to say the answer is yes. They don't call it the rat race for nothing.  

But the mere fact that I can ponder this and write about it suggests that each of us has the potential to step outside of this repetitious, narrowminded perception and consider the possibility that there are other alternatives in theory as well as in choice. 

I personally believe that the highest ambition is to end up where we started. I am of the belief that children are born pure and connected to their four basic energies; spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional. There is no separation of these awarenesses and no contradiction in perception.  They are pure, spiritual, instinctive, and physical beings at the beginning of their human experience. From the moment a child arrives in this world the scales begin to tip and depending on their experiences, those four pillars of being will become imbalanced. The spiritual connection seems to suffer the most and it is my opinion that that is the root of all our suffering. We lose balance, connection, identity and contact with our soul and essence.  It's no wonder most individuals go through some phase, sometimes long and agonizing phases, of feeling lost, discouraged, disconnected and purposeless. It is pretty easy to find readings, commentaries and conversations where people ponder the same question. "Who am I and what is the purpose of my existence?" I can't  imagine that a rat is experiencing the same conundrum. 

So if our mind, emotions, and soul can imagine a different existence, one higher than a mere rat can, then it would seem logical that we should be able to experience and create or recognize a better one. 

This is what I call the infinite human experience. The infinity of it is the continuous flow and repetition of the life experience in all humanity. None of us get a pass on being human to its fullest extent. It's like the life-and-death process. That circle will never be broken. Neither will the challenge. We begin in simplicity, clarity and pure love. The goal is to allow ourselves to be rejoined with our pillars of beauty - in mind, heart, body and soul ;  Restored and reborn. Each life represents the never ending circle - the infinity from our higher Source  into our finite existence. The paradox remains-we must enter the maze and find the way out in order to be "a-mazed" and finally above and beyond the maze - one person at a time ad infinitum. 

Right or Wrong? Do It or Don't

Right or Wrong? Do It or Don't

I have struggled with trying to do the right thing and not doing the wrong thing. It would seem that a choice in either direction would automatically nullify the other but lately I have begun to think that there is a gap between the two that still merits consideration. Do neither? 

I don't mean to give the impression that I support a lack of response to life or responsibility for monitoring my behavioral choices, but I recognize that my limited experience may not provide the best direction or motivation for the best scenario and outcome. When left to my own rationalizations,  my actions are more than likely self "conscious" and my understanding of their long range ambitions short sighted.  

As a human being I have been exposed to the concepts of the Golden Rule, (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...) the idea of a heavenly reward, and the threat of an hellish, punishing afterlife for atrocious deeds towards mankind.  

Where the cutoff exists to measure my actions within these parameters is both clear and blurred.  We are taught that killing another human being is definitely bad yet we find reasons to approve such actions in self defense or war.   The lines of demarcation seem to be moved conveniently so that absolutes of good and bad can be repainted to appear better or worse than we know they are. 

Rather than get caught up on the confusion of definitive and arguable points of perception  I try to keep it simple.  If you don't know what to do that is right just try not to do what you know is wrong.  If you don't want someone to disrespect you don't be disrespectful. If you don't want to be cheated and lied to, don't cheat and lie. I think sometimes just trying to not to do what you know is inappropriate, "bad", or dishonest is enough.  If you don't know exactly what is the right thing to do, just focus on not doing the wrong things to others.  That alone has its roots in goodness and is like a weed killer that helps the healthy plants grow. 

Spiritual Matrix

Spiritual matrix

I have shared the general thought that the world of the spirit is undefinable, unlimited, and unfathomable. It is made up of all things unseen, a veritable catch-all description for the things misunderstood or veiled to our light of understanding and vision. 

It would certainly make less sense to even try to understand or care about this if I did not have a deeper belief in the existence of The Source, the Supreme Spirit from which the Primordial ooze was imagined and from whence it flowed.  

As of late, though, I am starting to at least have a filmy beginning of noticing the matrix of my spiritual being and growth. As nebulous as the concept of soul or spirit, there feels to be a definable construction of recognizable formation when it comes to spirit in the creation of each unique form. It is not so much unique by appearance as in purpose and the energetic effect and memory that it deposits and leaves in the wake of its life.  Whether seen and used as a tool, road block, or mirror, each of us is a separate but joined faction in the larger spiritual consciousness. The gossamer  web of individuality is only separated by the "smoke and mirrors" of apparent reality, but it is real and necessary to build the individual matrix of spiritual growth and have it feel as solid as rock walls and the earth we walk on. The ultimate goal is opening the curtains so nothing blocks the light that goes in and out between the individual soul  and the permeating Source. We do not lose self - we finally surrender and become a living expression of Self. The undefinable becomes definable in each of us.  

Limitations or Formation?

Limitations or formation?

When I was  young my imagination was broad, the doors of opportunity were wide open, and all things seemed possible or at least available. It can be kind of exciting to think that the potential for success in any arena looms before a young person and tempts us all to believe that with desire and stick-to-ativeness that achievement is there for the taking. Our media idols have taken the role of mini gods and goddesses and tempt us to follow their path in order to feel accomplished and important in this life.  Anything less than glamour, material gain, and recognition does not feel like success.  

Of course, traveling the road of self-discovery reveals a much different picture.

I found the my path of worldly accomplishments narrowed by time and design, but became easier to travel. In other words, in my experimentation to find what I thought I should be and just dabbling in others' life pond of experience,  I found out how well I swam or sank in uncharted waters. Either by sinking or swimming, I found out the limitations of the person I was becoming in my life. It's not really a matter of feeling small or someone unable to achieve high goals. I found that finding my path and all the trial and error that went with it was really about knowing who I was.  Rather than it being a road of recognition as to what I'm not, it became the road to what I am. It's a formation of character, identity, knowledge, wisdom, and purpose. If we do not recognize and discover our true playing field, the place where our actions and feelings are inspired by conscious purpose and joy, it's easy to get lost.  Finding our true "limitations" is like gathering puzzle pieces they finally fit together. They become the formation of the picture that we are, the things that are distinct and unique  and meaningful to each of us, and a path of surer footing. 

Daily Life Soup

Daily Life Soup

Most of the time we all think of ourselves as the "main entrée" in our daily life. We are the center of the plate and everything else and everyone else are the "side dishes" to complete the "meal" and therefore be honored with the great privilege of complimenting us. That concept of being in a fixed position from which all other things merely orbit around to enhance our individual experience and existence, becomes much more interesting and enjoyable if it's truly just seen as a daily opportunity to become a part of a huge cauldron of life soup made from different ingredients each day. 

Here is my idea of the recipe for daily life soup.

1.  Remember to honor the chef, the supreme source of this divine recipe. 

2. Be open to participating as an animal, vegetable, broth or spice necessary for a complete recipe.

3. Allow myself to be "chopped down to size" to fit the requirements of the day.  Whether I am a big piece or a small piece doesn't matter. I still play an important role in completing this project.  

4. If I am the broth, and the broth gets too concentrated, I can overwhelm the myriad of flavors that make a better soup. I may need to be diluted in order to balance the flavors. 

5. In making such a wonderful soup, I might need to spice it up or tone it down. A dash of enthusiasm or peaceful serenity may be the touch that is needed to compliment the "flavor" of the day. Taste, and add as needed.

6. Being a healthy ingredient is primal to making good soup. If I happen to be the overripe vegetable or the tainted meat in the soup, I can change the flavor and enjoyment subtly yet completely.  

7.  Keeping the attitude that I am a part of the soup and not just a singular ingredient broadens the hopeful outcome. I am not the only thing, yet remain an integral part of the total outcome. 

Some days, the soup will be delicious and exactly what I had hoped for. On the other hand, sometimes it may be somewhat lacking and doesn't quite meet the standard of taste and experience that was anticipated. Yet for another taster of the soup, another ingredient that was added that day, they may feel that it's perfect.

The good news is that each day is an opportunity to be a part of a new soup recipe. All the tasting, experience, enjoyment, and even dissatisfaction allow me to become an even better ingredient in the dish tomorrow.  It Is important just to show up and be ready to be chopped, diced, stirred ,made hot and spicy, "pure"ed, "tender-eyes "d,  marinated in love, warmed up, cooled off, or any combination thereof. Remember, it's a soup and a lot of love, passion and vision went into the selection of the ingredients you have been mixed with in this "soup of the day".  

BON APPETIT!!!

All Things Possible or Probable

All Things Possible or Probable

I used to believe that what is possible in me and from me and what is probable were closely related. In other words I had a self image that allowed for a relatively secure predictability of my behavior and attitude that set the tone for my future outcomes and my image in the world. I was pretty sure the world bought what I was selling.

Now I understand that my conclusions were full of flaws and my reality was far from the truth. In desperately seeking to really know who and where I am, I have begun to see myself more clearly. I do not always like what I see but if I cannot love and accept what is truly there, then there is no hope to open the door to what will be there. How I treat myself is how I will treat others honestly.  I've been living in a fool's world thinking that I could act "as if" I had more love, patience, understanding, care, and compassion for others while inside I did not have it for myself. That incongruity eventually showed me how unsuccessful and lost I was.  

Now rather than trying to design myself as I want you to see me or how I think I should be, I choose to surrender to the superior design and allow it to unfold. I have been told that I am a "late bloomer"but also have been told that "you are never late in divine time." As I was created, the timing of my evolution is perfectly synchronized. How far I will be allowed to grow and understand absolutely depends on my willingness because if I put up roadblocks of resistance, I cannot proceed.  Letting go of false control and fear  is the only chance I have to find out what is truly possible and surrendering to a higher divine Source of knowledge and wisdom is how the possible becomes probable.

Drama? Or Quiet Decision

Drama? Or Quiet Decision

Does every significant event in life which requires change of mind, heart or direction need to be noisy, catastrophic, and outwardly overwhelming ? Do we need to be recognized as hero, victim, or villain in order to validate our existence and get credit for our actions?

The television medium has become inundated with so called "reality"shows. It would seem that the temperament of the shows is more about exaggerating life situations and providing us with loud and dramatic actions and interpretations from the participants in their efforts to survive or conquer the existing situation. 

My personal experience reminds me that the more fearful, guilt-ridden and selfish the problem becomes, the louder it gets.  The dramatic yelling, defensive reactions, and painful accusations are all smoke screens for the internal suffering of disappointment, regret, and pain. I have also seen , within my own dilemmas and the dilemmas of others, that quick and destructive actions and choices exist to help sever and eradicate any attachment for the person and situation that might remain in our vulnerable and weaker side.  Those actions of severe disassociation or "burning bridges" seem to be the easiest and quickest way to solve a painful situation but the embers of anger and hurt smolder for years to come and can be revived by future similar connections.  Unhealed resentments are poison to future joy and happiness. 

If I allow myself the selfish indulgence of needing to "be right" in most all situations and relish putting the blame elsewhere, happiness and emotional health and balance get harder and harder to achieve. Taking a personal "time out" to reassess actions and behaviors and choose the kindest and most real expression of who we are in any situation allows us a chance to get it right on all counts.  Everything ending, particularly in regards to relationships, doesn't have to be horrendous, pain inflicting and final.   Maybe some will be but choosing to let go instead of destroying everything in order to do that may suffice. We destroy and maim a large piece of our heart and soul when we want to destroy another. 

We don't have to leave the evidence of our change by what we destroyed. Sometimes we can choose to change on the inside and move forward. In the end, the wake of that quiet subtlety could be the game changer of our whole life. For me it is. 

Worthy of Life

Worthy of Life

I have thought that I didn't belong here. I have felt so alone in my life that the only logical explanation was I must've been accidentally born to the wrong parents or in the wrong city or possibly even  the wrong parallel universe.  But because I was here, 

I struggled with locating or finding "my people".  I have always felt different and thought that there was a place where I would know, without a doubt, that I was finally home. There 

everything would fit and so would I. But it seemed I couldn't or wouldn't  get it or find it unless I earned my worthiness. So life became one big scavenger hunt, collecting things, becoming recognizable in a apparently definable and fixed world, and looking for the ultimate satisfaction by gathering all the "items" or requirements on my list in order to become worthy.  Needless to say, I never seemed to complete that task or gathered enough glory to feel complete. I never got enough "medals", trophies or headlines to be recognized or found by the members of my own personal, mutual admiration society.  

Occasionally, along the way, I had been gifted with a few comrades that remain close in heart and soul but never in proximity. I had felt destined to be trapped in an ethereal set of relationships, that only manifest in the physical world as occasional visitations, like "booster shots" to keep up my immunity against loneliness and disconnection. 

The "meals" of few-and-far-between encounters with dear ones, small islands of concentrated nurturing,  were like being on a starvation diet.  It is not enough to satisfy and improve a healthy heart, mind and soul - rather just enough to sustain a heartbeat and return to the hunger and the recognition of what isn't there. 

At some point, not so long ago, I faced that feeling of gaunt, emotional and spiritual starvation and sought the food I so desperately needed  from a higher source. It started in my soul, spread to my heart, and eased my mind. The only remedy was to tap into and remember the higher spirit that abides in me and outside of me.  The eternal fountain from Source is never ending, always there to access, and helps me find worthiness and purpose in my existence. Rather than remain a spiritual zombie, I chose to live and belong. My limited imagination of where and with whom I belong has been changed.  I belong in each moment and find purpose and promise there. I am infused with a higher Source of inspiration and the ability to recognize the path instead of feeling lost and abandoned. I feel that giving and receiving love is like creating a ripple in a pond or being washed over by the waves in the vast ocean. The results are equally gentle and powerful in their effect on the world around us and inside of us. 

Being worthy now means I am prepared and open to being a receptacle and resource for receiving and giving the best I can of life. It also means that every day my recognition of where I belong is here and now, and who I belong with is those who are with me at that moment. As I keep my direct and focused connection with my divine Source, I am where I belong.  I am home. 

Letting Go. - Perception and Transformation

Letting Go - Perception and Transformation

When I hear the phrase "let go" it creates an image of either separation, departure, loss or loss of control, release or all of the above.  No matter which angle we come from, letting go seems to mean that something or someone is disappearing or soon to be forgotten, sometimes easily, sometimes with great difficulty. But is it the person, place or thing we are truly letting go of or our attachments and neediness for them to comfort us and fill up a void in our lives?

If everything that didn't suit us, that bothered us, that didn't continue to make us happy or caused us pain was discarded and abandoned as bad or unwanted, our self knowledge and understanding could be jeopardized by not recognizing ourselves and our lessons in all these circumstances and people. I believe that everything we do, and everyone who comes in our path, is designed for our reflection, understanding and growth. If we see ourselves as spiritual beings struggling through the limitations of a human experience, we can only move up the ladder of development if we recognize and value these opportunities.  The wider we can open those doors and combine the two universes of humanity and spirituality the more clarity we achieve and the more peaceful understanding we might experience. 

 I'm beginning to understand more clearly that it is my attachment and desire that makes the situation or person desirable or undesirable, understood or misunderstood.  My personal wants and expectations can create a false sense of reality and can twist a potentially stable, healthy relationship or situation into a distorted, unhealthy and destructive one.  If I pray for guidance and am willing to change, in the same right, things can improve and become more positive and fulfilling. Now the "letting go" process becomes one of transformation. When I transform my insides and see things in their beautiful reality, then disappointment and desire no longer control the outcome. Trying to perceive the world and our place in it from our Divine Source, in its true moment of reality and purpose, is by far a greater gift.  This new vision from heart, soul and mind may allow us to change the regret, shame or disappointment of the past into a road map towards better paths and outcomes. 

So now I try to "let go" of my small, narrow-minded and controlling view of life in exchange for a bigger and wider perception of my life within the big LIFE. The view is much better from here and the ride more enjoyable. 

This Is Not A One Man Show

This Is Not a One Man Show

It would seem that when we talk about destiny, fulfillment, progress, understanding, and consciousness, the focus is on our individual selves. We strive to understand what is happening around us, what will happen to us, and what will be the end result for us. This is a very logical position to have as a human being working our way through the unknown of living and the search for meaning and purpose. 

I have come to believe that individual significance is still affected  by and contingent on the rest of the world around us. We are not meant to be a singular entity withdrawn and separate from everyone else. Our actions and reactions, and others' actions and reactions, significantly impact the progress of enlightenment.

In earlier years I read and studied many individuals with significant progress in their spiritual evolution and enlightenment and found great Inspiration therein. However, as I continue to grow older and, hopefully wiser, I see the intricate thread that ties us all together.  For me, enlightenment in this world is only as good as the recognizable impact it has on the rest of the world. I get brief glimpses of what it would be like to have such an expansion of consciousness and the experience of such oneness with the higher Source. I am, however, of the ilk that a collective consciousness, a group awareness that continues to evolve, is far more desirable then just my own individual evolution. If my own expansion is only self elevating , at some point, there could potentially be a disconnect from the rest of the world. I realize we are supposed to be able to feel the oneness of the whole world as we grow in a higher awareness, but, I also strongly feel the impact that I would rather see as the world continues to consciously evolve together. Mankind's collective consciousness in evolution becomes a far more beautiful picture in my mind. Being and growing with others in like consciousness could make this life more thrilling, more meaningful, and certainly more entertaining. 

For me, being right and evolved all by myself is not appealing. I definitely want to have the strongest relationship with my higher source of light and awareness, but I also wish to share that with the others that I have the privilege of living and breathing with at this amazing time for humanity on earth. I feel that a higher and deeper awareness exists in each individual person. I would rather invest myself in trying to uncover or discover that hidden treasure and celebrate the joy of its discovery.  That celebration of the treasured gift simultaneously elevates my being.  If I am like a plant, struggling towards the light for growth and expansion, then the world and the light around me  is where I am planted and what helps me grow. May I continue to be a source of the same for others;  one flower among many.  

Deeper understanding.

Deeper understanding.

I recognize myself as being a deep thinker. One of my greatest joys is receiving spontaneous  insights that appear and compel me to write, or try to write them down.  These feelings and the thoughts that ensue from these sacred moments reinforce the higher source from which comes this Inspiration and gives me a true sense of connection, peace, and joy. I am open to receiving this at moments of meditation, walking, listening to music, and any simple task that requires repetition, but very little thought. It also gives me a more satisfied and settled feeling when I am on my own and not distracted by others. 

Herein lies the conundrum for me. When I go about my daily routine in the world, and perform all the pragmatics of existence,  I naturally encounter other people. Occasionally I have wonderful conversations and engage in laughter and comradary.   Much of the time,  though, I feel like I'm coming down from the clouds and am forced to relinquish this revelry for a rather diminished environment.  One that offers a minimal amount of satisfaction and reward.  In other words, it's hard to feel that excited and inspired with others on a day-to-day basis.  Sometimes they are even boring.

 I have no delusions of having more consciousness than any other human being walking this planet, but the internal experience during those moments of inspiration are so profound that other life experiences feel much less compelling and memorable . My challenge is to find inspiration and elevation of spirit in whatever way I interact in this world. If I follow my true sense that there is Divinity in every form, both physical and super physical, then the potential for a more enlightened experience each day is there.  It has to be my choice to be open and willing to experience it. It's kind a like cable television. You can have a few channels or you can have hundreds. It's up to me to choose how many ways I want to be open to this amazing experience.   I have to make sure I get the Divine Discovery channel.

Divine Source- Director, Producer and Screen Writer?

Divine Source-Director, Producer, and screen Writer?

I've been muddling through the concepts of the divine presence being everywhere, and within and without, at the same time.  This pervasive entity appears to have the capability of being all things at all times. My question lies in the beauty and Mystery of man's life as an extension and creation of the all- knowingly supreme being  yet still having free will. 

Using my limited faculties, I have envisioned a possible scenario for how it works.The supreme consciousness is everywhere in all things. Yet, each individual creation is like an atom with its own charge and it's own pattern of motion. The faster the atoms move, the more likely they will run into each other and create a dynamic energy of action and reaction. The consequence  of these actions manifest in a microsecond of the cosmos and in the continuum of perpetual motion, and the myriad of events that we know as life occur. 

So as a part of the creation, I am given certain qualities, attributes, talents, and cognition. My Indelible identity or the nature of my being is something I am born with. That essence ultimately brings me back to a natural course of action, however activities around me can temporarily or permanently change the course of my path. Without conscious awareness of the origin of my being, it would seem that life is but a random group of actions and responses of which we have absolutely no control. However, I believe that our inner drive, our need to know, our need for purpose, our need to connect, our need to join our higher self, supersedes our limited unconscious reality.  Our free will is no less a divine given gift to allow us to repolarize our actions and outcomes and alter the perception and direction of our chosen path. I think it helps us in our awareness of our experiences rather than just being victims of uncontrollable circumstances, being battered or blessed.  

Our beginning comes from the source, our middle has the capability of connecting with the source for a clearer and more conscious  ride, and our ending goes back to the source. Our free will allows us to decorate this life with events, persons, perceptions and designs that make us the individuals that we are. However, if we become aware enough to connect with source during our journey, the choices have a rhythm that certainly improve our behavior, experience, and sense of purpose. 

It's an interesting conundrum but one I will continue to  enjoy as I try to understand it and figure out.  Knowing I have a choice helps me make one.  

Life Story Written in Invisible Ink

Life Story Written in Invisible Ink

Part of my belief system is that our  life-story has been prewritten. Part of my belief system conceives that our free will allows us to embellish on the basic story thereby creating more color, dynamics, drama, and scenery. Both ideas may be true but, nonetheless, for me, it's written in invisible ink. The story is not revealed until it's time and I still have to go through the process of "reading" it through my actions, thoughts, prayers, aspirations and outcomes.  

The invisible ink concept is more about being present in the moment. It's also remembering what I've read from the past, and continuing to hope for a better outcome in the future.  

The best part is that I realize I no longer am (or ever was) the sole creator of this story of my life, nor know the punchline or destiny of the heroine. The only thing that I do know at this time, is that the author of this life, the author who writes my story has a clear understanding of the beginning, the middle, and the end. At the same time, I know that I am a part of the real never-ending story so regardless of how it turns out I have faith it will be a good one. So for now, I'll just keep on reading.

Evidence of Life

Evidence of Life
I have always wanted to be unique and remembered as no other. I wanted to corner the market on at least one singular expression, one individual behavior, product, or artistic creation never seen or done before. I have wanted to be remembered for a legacy which lives on after I am gone.
This is the way I have lived my life and, naturally, have come to the end of each chapter of experience disappointed by not reaching this high watermark I created as a measuring stick for my success.
While young, that disappointment was turned into motivation to recreate a new goal or adventure and blaze a new trail towards great possibilities. In reflection, I realize that I have been able to achieve a few unique and special moments in my personal history but, though very interesting, they did not create the dynamic effect, the profound spiritual experience I have sought. Simply put, I have not found the clarity of what is my gift of "being" to this world. I need evidence that my one drop of being and life in this ocean of eternal energy from The Source is as significant as the poetic vision of a second in endless time, a single note sounding through this unfinished symphony, and the one beat of the universal heart that allows the one before and after to follow and be followed keeping the eternal rhythm bouncing off the silent drum in boundless space.
The only thing I realize from this search and need is that what I want cannot be found from the outside. This cannot be understood and imagined with my limited experience of the external world. The boundless space inside my heart and soul is where I must discover and know who I am and where I fit. The special gifts that were given to me and have been taken for granted and sometimes even ignored, identify this trademark of my being. It is no longer necessary for me to decide how beautiful and how significant they are in the scheme of things. When I am "in love "in spirit and joyful in action, then I know I am in union with eternal source and fulfilling my part in this creation. That's the only evidence I need today.

Being Quiet and Waiting

Being Quiet and Waiting
As a child, I can hear the echoes of a parent or teacher saying "sit down and be quiet! ". Whether that was directed at me or a group of unsettled children, the person demanding this needed quite a profound and commanding voice to achieve such a goal. Though seeking tranquility may be a desirable state of being, this directive resembled (and was probably meant to be) punishment or control versus a request for calmness and relaxation, or a reestablishment of peace and harmony.
There are multiple examples of situations where waiting, or quietly waiting is nothing short of torment and torture to a youthful spirit with energy in abundance but without purposeful direction. Containing or controlling so much enthusiasm, excitement, or propulsion in motion, is not a desirable state of being when the world is your oyster and the choices and sampling of all that it offers is right in front of you. The era that we live in now also supports the fact that one does not need to wait for anything. Communication, stimulation and access to any and all worldly adventures is at our fingertips. But the shortcoming or downfall to this modern day phenomena is that the easier something ( or someone) is to get or have, the less important these experiences become and the easier to dispose of or disconnect from.
For me, therein lies the difficulty and the confusion. Having tasted from the buffet of life, sometimes it's hard to find out what nourishes and represents my self and my true identity.
As hard as it is sometimes, waiting has become my "action" and quiet my adversary. Being quiet and contemplating what surrounds me allows for clearer choices. I no longer feel an urge to try everything just because it's there or someone else is doing it. I've lived long enough to know where my detours have taken me driven by my impatience and the noisy voices in my head.
The landscape in my mind, heart and soul changes when stillness pervades. Knowing that my path no longer has to be littered by the debris of poor choices, I can patiently wait for the right moment, the right thing, the best person, the most purposeful action and event to appear. That has become my exercise and gift to myself. I'm no longer in a hurry and know I will miss out on nothing that is coming for me and to me. They say you are never late in divine time. That's the clock I am trying to set my watch by.

What Keeps Me Here

Today I'm reflecting on the things that keep me on this earth. I would like to say it's all the wondrous experiences I have had, living as long as I have, and being more adventurous than some. I would like to say it's all the relationships I have, the love, passion, desire, joy, and laughter shared with my fellow travelers. Though I know it's important for others, accumulating and amassing a lot of material possessions has definitely never been a primary goal of mine.
Strangely enough, I don't feel the weight of attachment for what others would consider the normal things that make life worth living.
But of all the things I have had and done, none of it holds me to this life.
What keeps me here Is my curiosity to know beneath the surface of what appears in front of me. What I seek is the knowing of a heavenly presence in this earthly life. I am not one to believe that we can only experience God's divinity after we are dead. Though that profoundness may be of a limited becoming, I still believe we can have the godly experience while we're alive on this earth. Sometimes I feel like I am standing on a mountaintop looking afar at the desired goal, and not knowing and having the tools to get there. The hardest thing for me is patience, one of the tools I need to even have a chance at this aspiration. Another might be the humility to understand the process. However, faith and surrender are truly essential to even attempt the goal. Without that faith, all of this might seem like a cruel joke and not worth the effort.
Ironically, what is frustrating and feels like an albatross around my neck, are all the limitations, shortcomings, ego-based concepts, and and personal desires that slow the progress. I have discovered that no matter how long I live, the same challenges confront me. I see them sometimes as lead weights on my feet that attach me to the gravity of earth and slow down any progress. If I could have my way, I would be given all the knowledge that I seek and not have this continuous struggle. But, in my imagination, that elevated sense of being could remove the lead weights from my feet and my purpose for existence would become nebulous. So I sometimes think that my challenges and chains are what hold me in check and keep me here. In the drama of my life, there has to be cues, lines to be said, actions to be taken that unfold the story that has been written. So without all these seemingly tedious dilemmas that are the very makeup of my part of the story, there would be no story. At least there would be no story with me in it and who knows how that would be a game changer in the great drama of existence. No one of us can decide or know what impact our life has in this world. As much as I would like to have a different role after all these years, the challenge is to embrace the one I have been given and play my part with great joy, gusto, drama, and sincerity. Even more profound is discovering a God experience where and how and when I least expect it. I still have so much to learn. That's what keeps me here.

Which Way to Go

Which Way to Go
I have been given this great opportunity in life. I can take my time, take a look around me, choose my actions, relationships, behaviors, and appreciation for whatever I feel is important. I almost have to see myself as a spoiled child who doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do, well, more or less as the pragmatics of life still require my attention. But putting aside all the mundane daily activities that can't be ignored, I stand at the threshold and, believe it or not, I don't know which way to go.
Self identity can be as confusing as lack of it. My hunger to engage and manifest is surpassed by my hesitation of choice, so I remain at a standstill. Well it's more like jogging in place but not moving forward, backward, or sideways.
I am using a mental and emotional barometer to sift out things that I've done in the past that weren't quite as exciting or meaningful. I am trying to get to the core of what I would identify as "part of my being" or things that made me feel joyful, purposeful, creative, and unique and special. But sometimes when I look at the pile of my accomplishments or talents, I feel lacking in tools. In other words, my ego is preventing me from being a useful tool in this universe, a cog in the works rather than the shining star that I think I should be.
In attempting to broaden my spiritual life, my inner understanding, and my connection with this universe, I have to realize that relating everything I am striving for to this miniscule part of it, me, certainly limits my vision of what's going on around me and diminishes my experience
I need new inner binoculars. I would love to see the world without worrying about how I relate to it. I would rather be responding, regardless of what my part is in it, and enjoy participating in the whole experience. In other words, when I compare myself in the world and come up lacking, the true experience of being alive is severely crippled. I am trying very hard not to make it about me. I want to be here because I know this is a beautiful, evolving awareness. I need to take my blinders off so I get a true 360° experience. For now, all I can do is keep heading towards the light. I keep hearing that it's the journey rather than the destination. So I guess I better get off the train tracks and get on a train. I may not know how I'm going to get there, but at least I know what direction I'm heading towards.

The Uncharted Life

The Uncharted Life
I have grown to realize that I never was the type of person to stay in one place or have permanency and predictability in my life. Somehow choosing one path, one partner, one city, one house, or one profession generated a vision of completion. That vision, for me, was seeing the finish before I even got started in the race. It was like somebody telling me the end of the movie or the end of the book before it had been seen or read.
I could say that this is a defect in my character. I could say that this is a fear-based part of my personality. I have never wanted to know who I am with great certainty because I might never want to seek anything more or feel I could or should. I guess, one could say, I never wanted to be satisfied because satisfaction is the end of the road, at least for me.
So I have always been willing to make a complete change in my life. I've changed locations, jobs, careers, lovers, and husbands. I have given up all my possessions, accumulated more possessions, and repeated the process more than once. One might say that this is a very adventurous way of being, but on the other hand, it appears that I've been running away most of my life. Somehow, keeping the running shoes on meant that I was still alive, that the adventure was not over, and that I was not at the end of my road of life.
Ironically, I'm not afraid of dying (well maybe a little). I think I'm more afraid of boredom.
What I've come to understand is that the boredom is me feeling purposeless, disconnected from my heart and soul, and not feeling an important and significant part of this creation with an ability to tap into all its creativity.
I have suffered this affliction throughout my life and thus there came a time when that struggle was more difficult, almost insurmountable and spiritually fatal. Not today, however.
I have found that I can have that uncharted life and still be like a small vessel sailing into a big ocean, with no specific charted course, being open to and enjoying all the unknown experiences yet to come. However, because I have chosen to align myself in the stability of my spirit and soul, the constancy of my faith, the foundation of my principles, and the joy that has grown and rooted in my heart, my course is true and my true North has been found.
Though I still don't want or need to know exactly what the future holds, I don't feel wayward, lost, or confused about my choices. I have the most profound belief that I'm on the right course and my life is being guided from above. I also believe that even at the end there is another beginning. Oh joy!!

Any Life But This One

Any Life But This One

I don't know when it started, but since I can remember, as a child , I always imagined a different life. I realize it's not unusual for children to have huge imaginations about being superheroes, fairy princesses, and a multitude of other characters with super human qualities, however, I don't think I ever got over wanting to be something more or somewhere other than what or where I was.

Whenever I checked myself out in the reality mirror the images that came to mind we're not of my liking. I was never pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, entertaining enough, accomplished enough, successful enough, or worth loving. Never.

My solutions were always striving for something greater or different than what I was at that moment. I chose things that others wouldn't dare to do. It starts with a history of being a single mother , running off to San Francisco, the hippie era and communal living. The rest is just a continuous process of always needing to achieve or appear to be different and interesting. I was never enough for myself, therefore always empty and seeking on the inside.  All my accomplishments became hollow victories and once the excitement was over it became time to move on to another challenge.

I eventually ran out of ideas and was left standing in the desert of my own imagination which was no longer capable of offering me a vehicle outside of my own self; to the promised land where I could finally be satisfied and happy. The only thing I had left was myself, living in my own life. It was a sad, fearful, and hopeless moment.

Perhaps I will expound on that dark time that ensued at that crossroad of stark awareness in another writing, but for now I realize that I had to get into total darkness to start to see some light. Today my life has become quite amazing and the viewpoint and perspective I have gained has changed everything.  MY LIFE has become the bigger and greater drama since I am now a participant and not the director. Being a part of a greater scheme increases the entertainment, excitement and enjoyment beyond my imagination. Not knowing what is going to happen is actually a more joyous way of being. Feeling assurance that, no matter what happens, I am being guided through the maze of events that is life has eliminated my fears and soothed my soul.  My purpose is to live this life and fulfill my role in the divine scheme of things, whatever that is. That's all.

Today, I would have no other life but my own. Today, I would not want to be anywhere else but where I am. Today, I belong and am at peace.  Today, it was all worth it.

The Inner Age Struggle

I am experiencing a personal, internal conundrum. My inside does not match my outside. I know others are faced with similar confusion at some point in life and respond accordingly.
For some, the life unfolding process from a youthful budding persona slows to a acceptable and expected halt. It takes the wind out of the sails; aging and surrendering to the diminished interest in life and personal discoveries, physical limitations and inspiration, and personal desire.
For others, they fight tooth and nail to defy the lackluster defeat and the slow and insidious decay reflected in that daily visitation with the mirror. Whether the choice be artificial means to literally mask the deteriorating changes, buying expensive sport cars and getting hair plugs, or choosing clothing that represent a much younger lifestyle and appearance, the battle rages on and it is a fight to the finish.
For me, at least for this moment , it's neither one, though I have visited both encampments. Unexpectedly, my life has taken an amazing turn, and though the years are indelibly recorded on my physical odometer reading, I feel a newness that belies this status. I stand between what I have done and where I have been , and what I still might have an opportunity to do and become. It's not even a case of dreams anymore. It's a case of being offered the unknown life that I haven't had the chance to experience. I have been wandering through my life with half vision. I've only seen half truths; half of the opportunities and their worth, half of who I am, and half of who I thought everyone else was, and not always the better half. By letting go of my limited perception and direction, I have been given a chance to see and participate in the bigger, clearer picture. It's an amazing gift to receive at this stage of life to feel youthful joy for unknown possibilities, understanding, and experiences in this seasoned chassis. Who would've thought......

What I Need to Know

What I need to know.

I was born with a very inquisitive spirit and a pondering mind.  The need to know, the whys and the whens and the hows, was strong in me but not about mundane topics, rather the mystical and unfathomable possibilities outside our day to day existence.  I have always been impressed with the fantastic and profound, the surreal and the unseen, and enjoyed the methods and people who could elevate my vision and perception of my ordinary life to an extraordinary one. By being able to see the world and life as an expansive yet hidden concept, not visible to the ordinary person, allowed me entrance into a secret society of "knowers" , a fraternity of seekers with the truest grasp of the meaning of existence. That inner belonging made it more bearable to exist in a world of darkness and ignorance, but it also separated me from humanity, the part of humanity I have seen as different, inane, foolish, and uncaring.  As long as I have believed I live separately because of my special powers associated with my allegiance to the higher awareness, the REAL world where knowledge and power are pure and divine consciousness reigns supreme, I have limited the possibility of that knowing in my own simple life.  And, as of late, I have become vividly aware of my status in the world even with all this great knowing- I am just like all those around me whom I have judged; inane, foolish, selfish and ignorant.
Does this awareness mean that all I have seen and felt about the vast universal and divine concepts are invalid ? Quite the contrary, it has taken on an even more profound meaning for me. My need to know and understand has taken on a simpler but greater approach. In knowing my connection with my divine being, I love my life and soul much better.  I realize that that being exists in each moment , each person, each thing I encounter every minute. Understanding my past gives me hope for my future but what I NEED to know is where I stand at this moment - my present. Who I am at this moment - my principles.  How will I express myself to the world around me and participate in the continuum of a conscious and beautiful existence- my soul.   Who I belong to and who I thank each day for my light and life - my God. This is all I need to know today.


Sent from my iPhone

Gifts of Self or Selfish Gifts

Gifts of Self or Selfish Gifts

I like giving gifts to people, especially unexpected ones. I also have admired my talent for paying keen attention to words or phrases that dropped casually from the lips of a friend, unknowingly, revealing a desire or secret wish.  I could then pounce on that sly opportunity and produce the desired object, see the look of surprise and admiration for my intuitive and generous spirit,  and revel in a personal and private achievement award from myself to myself for a worthy and successful surprise gift. There was always great joy given and received but I wasn't always certain if I was doing it more for me than for them.  Being generous has always come easily for me but being unique and memorable has always been of most importance. Hence the concern for my imbalance in generosity or selfish motivation.

So I decided to try to imagine generosity without any strings attached and without my need to get a badge of recognition.  The start up process for me is to try to get my heart aligned;  no selfish motives or hidden agendas, coming from a place of love for my fellow man, and putting my attention towards another's needs rather than my own.
With this foundation I can be present and aware of myself with another person. Without personal distraction I may find opportunities to give the best gift of all - myself.   It may not be grand in presentation.  It may be subtle as lending an attentive ear, helping do dishes, or running an errand, but what I aim for is to be genuine in my generosity.  This doesn't mean I won't buy a gift or treat a friend to lunch but keeping the balance is good for my soul.

The All-Consuming Smallest Thing.

It fascinates me how one relatively small event can obliterate a total moment. For example, having gotten stung by a wasp more than once that small spot on my body that received the microscopic dose of venom can totally consume my consciousness for a minute to hours or even days depending on my sensitivity. The amazing piece of machinery I know as my body may be functioning at peak levels; heart is beating, breathing continues, all organ systems are working just fine. But that tiny event, that stinger penetrating my skin and the poison infusion starts off the most amazing series of responses. I can become totally oblivious to everything else and focus ONLY on the pain I am experiencing and seeking any method for removing that pain.
Barring the unexpected death of a loved one, I see this happening in life when painful, disappointing events show up suddenly and we feel unprepared and victimized by such circumstances. One word, one gesture, one disappointment or loss can change the course of the perception or attitude we have prior to the event. It can consume thoughts, hearts and souls of those who have no defense against the unexpected pain or struggle life can present.
If I can see life as large and continuos, holding as much promise as I can be open to, then each "sting" will be temporary and can be treated and soothed. Therein lies the greatest challenge: for me to have the spiritual, mental and emotional peace and confidence to take each day as a present and be present in it, accept pain for change, and not be a "victim" of circumstance.

Mistaking Identity

Throughout my life I've met people who made a very strong impression on me. It may be in the way they walked, talked, the piercing eyes, the sense of humor, the neurotic behavior or the strong controlling personality, to name but a few. Negatively or positively, the impressions remain indelibly marked and the memories can be triggered unexpectedly.
Now, seeing a familiar face, someone who reminds me of another, or watching a familiar scene with different and unknown players can create entertaining moments but depending on the intensity of the memory it might cause a replication in my feelings towards that person or situation. My pre existing feelings could prejudice a response or attitude, and predestine the outcome of any interaction. In other words, i respond as i did in the past and perpetuate either a negative behavior or an unrealistic expectation by that sense of familiarity- the instinctual reminder of previous feelings.
Regardless of whether or not these triggers stimulate a recoil, avoidance, or an overly sentimental response, the question I ponder is by so doing have I condemned or restricted a new opportunity to the same, repetitious, predictable outcome as before? Have I missed the chance to allow a more intense, profound, or enjoyable moment pass me by? I may have unknowingly created a case of mistaking an identity for another and dismissing and discarding a potential awakening and a personal growth opportunity. If I could possibly see the world differently I would be able to improve my own experience and the effect I have on the surrounding environment in return. Let me not hold our humanity hostage by my limited experience, rather let me be captured and enraptured by all that come to me in life. With new eyes and an open and willing heart, together we create a new story, a better read with, hopefully, a better ending.

Spiritual Innocence

It is my conception that we came here as pure light, pure breath, and pure mind. Born, we immediately were flooded with the myriad of sounds, colors, and vibrations emanating from the people and things surrounding our vast and unadulterated consciousness. That pure innocence and clarity, without prejudice or preconception, was destined to be narrowed and clouded by the familiarity of individual joy, fear, and need. The intuitive knowing and profound perception of each minute detail slowly softened and numbed as the world we grew in told a different story of existence and becoming. What we should be, what we should feel, and how we should behave and appear in this world inevitably shrouded our simple understanding of self and soul. The labyrinth of life we traversed became our dark and light; our echoes and songs of success and failure. The measuring stick of who we were was infected by you looking at me, and me looking at you for affirmation, victory, or surrender.
Some of us were taught about God and a spiritual life and introduced to a limited version of that meaning and significance. Some of us were told emphatically that there was nothing while others experienced such despair or disappointment that believing in a spiritual being who supposedly controlled that painful universe was a bitter pill that was spat out with defiance and disdain. Such ingrained beliefs inevitably became an important catalyst towards identifying self. But rarely has there been a human who has not been faced with life changing events of mind, heart and spirit that has not called out to a being greater then himself, challenging his personal doubt and testing the truth of that divine existence.
As I continue living, I have found that my life has been a series of self seeking events, driven by my need to know, control and assuage my burgeoning ego, and sometimes just trying not to feel lost. It has also been motivated by a deep searching for connection and belonging which has always brought me back to my desire to connect with my higher conscious becoming. It feels as though I must return to my original spiritual innocence in order to achieve the most serenity and the clearest path. For it takes my daily surrender, humility and pure intention to attempt such a goal. I seek that space of knowing without thinking, feeling without desire, and being present rather than preoccupied. I continue to peel away at the layers that have covered my being and make continuous attempts to find that core, that beginning, that beautiful purity of Heart and soul from whence I know I came.

Past Actions , Outcomes and Free Will

I have previously drowned myself in the concept that I'm not living up to my potential; that there was something I was supposed to be doing that I was not doing. Most of my endeavors have been to fill in space with things that I thought would be fulfilling and follow the genetic propulsion to live and experience life.  When I have been driven by my own concepts of fate versus free will, it's hard to determine what is required and what is desired.
It has come to light ( for me anyway ) that free will is a gift given to us. Those who have a concept of a divine source may feel that this divinity is the cause and reason for everything. That includes all the bad things that happen as well as the good. My sense of Divinity is the order of the universe where balance and harmony exist. As a human being with free will, I have a choice in either direction. If I follow my ego-based perception, my actions will create outcomes relevant to that perspective. If I strive to understand the more spiritual rationale for my actions, I can move with a harmonious dance in my life. If I choose to ignore the conscious, higher directive, there will always be the possibility of chaos and disillusionment. Is it possible, that my concept of what is the right thing to do, feel , or say could possibly upset the balance of the universe I live in and contribute to the confusion and pain? After reflecting on my past actions and outcomes, I would have to say emphatically yes.
We can choose to follow our own self-will or we can choose to tap into a higher consciousness that has a much better perspective on our actions and their outcomes globally rather than just in our fishbowl of existence. Defining our spiritual principles and guiding force stabilizes behavior and actions in the future. If there is a code of living that is more in tune with harmonizing with humanity, we can choose to be a participant or ignore the effect our selfish and unconscious behavior generates. Our past life is an easy roadmap for these choices. If we take a personal inventory and reflect on past behavior and results, this concept is an easy one to understand. These higher principles remain available even if we choose to ignore them. Though life is not a video game that you can just restart, changing the way we play the game is always an option. We always have that choice.

The Right Dose of Love

Recognize any of these?
Love your fellow man.
Love is all there is.
Love thy neighbor as thyself
"all you need is love" .... (Beatles)
I'm totally in love with you

The question it brings to my mind is what type of love is required, requested, or remaining toward those we would express such feelings? Desire and passion combined with personal wants and needs seem to be high on the list when love is mentioned or considered. Love of children, country and family are also easy targets for acceptable expressions of a loving nature.
But giving and finding a kind and loving expression in our human behavior is a rare and precious commodity in a world usually mired in confusion, fear, and need. Exacting the perfect and conscious provision of love requires reflection and thought. For some we can offer unending devotion, affection and concern (children and most family members). For others, love can translate to admiration, kindness and respect. Depending on who is receiving these feelings we cannot be certain when the translation or reception is clear. I have found that those of us who have the ability to be generously open and attentive to others may sometimes generate an unexpected level of apparent intimacy with a needier person who struggles to locate such liaisons in their daily lives. As this is not mutually shared, hurt, disappointment, and confusion can ensue.

So how do we temper our behavior and withhold the over abundance that creates that imbalance in relationships? When are we enough or too much? I struggle with that balance. All I can do is check my motivations. If overdoing, over sharing, or over expressing myself to another for personal recognition is my underlying, subconscious motive, it's probably not going to be as healthy and balanced of a relationship. If, however, it comes from just general compassion and concern for another person it may create a more lasting, real, and productive connection that can grow and thrive. I don't want to unconsciously use people for my daily mirror. I want to be useful, kind and empathetic. I want to be and give just enough. I may not get it right today but I will certainly try better each tomorrow.

The Provocation of Change

Change, being a necessary but inevitable part of life, generally shows up at the most unexpected moments. Relationships ebb and flow and the shadows of age slowly creep up and hinder quick action and thinking. Even wrinkles seem to suddenly emerge in the mirror though we knew of their eventual appearance. Shocked we may be but changed we are.
The more subtle changes can occur like the haircut that grows into it's best becoming only to fade shortly thereafter into an unpleasant and unmanageable mess. It's that type of joyous oblivious moment where we feel on top of everything, fearless and satisfied with our accomplishments and acquired grace and talents, when the underdeveloped emotions or thoughts ambush our sense of well-being. We may be reduced to a level that we thought was overcome, gone and replaced with all this wisdom and status we imagine that has been attained. Sucker! What a humbling experience to be transported back in time to the shy or boasting, fearful or headstrong, self conscious being that we hoped had disappeared with time.
There ever remains a living, vivid memory of past sorrows, challenges and short comings inside the depths of our subconscious and can surface with the perfect stimulation.
I consider these times as an opportunity to measure my growth. Though the weaker side may surface I depend on my soul conscience to not only change my attitude and action but assist in creating a better outcome than I had in the past. So I learn. I progress. I change.

One moment at a time

It is an ironic moment when you realize that something you said without any intention of influencing a person is taken with such great joy and inspiration. I write this letter of love from this unexpected event.
It is to a young lady who is on the brink of life. She has enthusiasm and great love for her husband and child and is a very hard worker. She has aspirations to get her nursing license in order to make a better future for her and her family. Something I said, unbeknownst to me, made a significant difference in her perspective of her future. It is with great gratitude that I embrace the love that allows moments of clarity to penetrate the clouds in our mind. It reminds me that at any moment a joyful and spiritual epiphany can turn the corner of what was once a dimly lit hallway Into an open, bright and beautiful landscape.
She took a moment to tell me that I had changed her life.
It's an appreciation for the air we breathe, the light that shines on us and the gift of an unknown simplicity that gives us the greatest joy. Her Joy brought me joy and humbled me.

Being Honest

Being Honest
I used to say "Truth is highly overrated " because speaking the "truth" usually meant revealing unknown thoughts, attitudes, personal judgement of another, actions, and past events that may or may not be desirable to share. I have always been concerned about how people saw me and what image I was endeavoring to create or maintain. I also judged others who did not filter their words and took the license of revealing their "truth" at the expense of another's feelings. Whether that need to reveal their important "truth" was a fleeting reaction or a longstanding opinion, the consequences of their revelations remained inconsequential to their uncontrollable need to be heard. Part of me held resentment and part of me had admiration for the ability to be without concern for others feelings and be able to stick to "thine own self be true" paradigm.
My endeavor is to find the balance between what I need to say and what I don't; what I need to do and what I don't. Words can be just as devastating, if not more, than a blow to the body. Rather than deliver a blow I am trying to temper my expressions of self towards another with a pause, a thought and an awareness of what is necessary to establish boundaries in relationships without destroying or maiming an oblivious person. It might be easy to hurt someone in their vulnerable chink of their emotional armor but it becomes a shallow Pyrrhic victory if you can only stand alone in your right-ness.
Today I choose to act when necessary and with a conscious choice of what is absolutely necessary for balance and clarity. We cannot assume others know who we are or what we need. I'd rather give the benefit of the doubt that no one is trying to take advantage or wishes harm to me. I pray for grace in making right decisions and being a part of awakening and elevating the humanity who comes along my path rather than be a warrior and destroyer leaving a wake of destruction and emptiness. It's not my job to fix everyone; just me.

The kindest way to be

I have often felt that giving meant I would endeavor to give more than enough so that the receiving one felt special and recognized as worthwhile in a world that seemed stingy in that department. My personal goals, in the end, were more self serving and selfish rather than honest and kind. I thought my intentions were of the highest standard. It fluffed up my self esteem and provided the wonderful by-product of gratitude and appreciation from the receiver.
I now check my motivations and am endeavoring to redirect my actions with true sincerity and kindness rather than looking for affirmation of self. It's not easy but it is the kindest thing to be just enough, real and clear in intention and action. Treating people with grace and compassion are qualities I strive for. Using people and situations to bolster my own image is not.
I pray for this adjustment so I become one of those that truly can generate the best energy towards my fellow man and thereby experience the deep meaning of love and kindness.

The Greatest Freedom of Soul

In the darkness of the recesses of our mind and soul we can be paralyzed by the fear of being "found out". We know we have the hidden darkness of our unhappiness, our sad truths about the undeserving or selfish being that, if brought out into the light and revealed, would disappoint and possibly repel those we care to hold dear and important.
I imagine the most profound and freeing experience to be the unveiling of all that is ourselves, good and embarrassing, and be forgiven for all and embraced as most human and beautiful in our broken and healing selves. If not freed of these shackles the human and divine life we have is forestalled by what happened and limits our life experience to an unfulfilled existence. By the forgiveness of ourselves with the help of our higher contact, our humanness weaves the beauty of our existence into a rich fabric.
Then we love and are loved in the deepest and most lasting way possible. Give me life.....more more life.

The. Dark Hole conundrum

It has come to "light" that I grew up with a dark hole in my heart and soul.  I doubt anyone could see it as I developed a talent for appearing to be personable, clever, smart, and likeable.  The duality of this existence was like a split soul existing in one body.  The lighter being grasped for all things joyful or encouraging but when the fruits of these efforts were taken inside the darker soul poured her half down into the darkness and could suck the light right down into the bottomless stomach of that hungry and starving part of her being. There were times when the dark sister claimed the lions share of the food of life given to both but there were also spans of time where she slept whilst her lighter twin grew in strength and determination. Then the dark sister would awaken and strip all the progress of self accomplished in those times of light. Never a balance was maintained - only a battle for control.  Where did this sadness and despair begin and what fed its pitiful existence?   At some point it's not easy to say I know why or how but it has taken more than just thought and will to fill that empty void and provide a more fertile filler for growth.  I have allowed the grace and gifts of my higher being to flood my mind, heart and soul and thus plant the climbing vine of hope to begin the shredding of the dark fabric.  Only light, love, forgiveness, humility, and faith have provided the substance that can fill up that hole.  Thus I came from a hole to becoming whole.

Small Miracles

Small Miracles
To believe in a spiritual being is one thing. To have a relationship with your spiritual entity is another.
Many of us were raised and told of a God and the existence of God and were governed by the fear of consequences for bad actions in an afterlife that could be eternally tortuous. It reminds me of the story of Hansel and Gretel where children were told of the wicked witch in the forest who would kidnap children and eat them. The God we were introduced to was not someone we wanted to meet, only one to be feared.
My recollection is that we only prayed to God on Sundays or when we were in dire straits and needed some one to save us. Most of the time we just lived in a state of agnostic belief. Whether there was a God or wasn't God didn't seem to enter enter into our realm of thoughts and actions. For many of us our earthly life has been run by our ego-based personalities without guidance and direction from our higher self. An oversized sense of power and control has usually been the steering mechanism directing the course of our lives.
If there ever comes a time when the realization that we really don't control anything comes into our conscious awareness, we become humbled by this profound understanding. That is when the relationship with our higher being or our God starts to become real and so do we. Once this process begins, we change. Our awareness of our surroundings, circumstances, and people that surround us becomes more vivid and more acute. We can begin to see the small miracles that occur around us and how we are well cared for and given exactly what we need. It is a beginning of the path of peace, serenity, and understanding the value and purpose of our life. Finally, our life is the miraculous event as it began, was forgotten, and is now regained. With these new soul eyes our world is a wondrous place and our connection with our higher source is a living breathing awareness. We are loved and in the true world that is home.

What do you believe in?

What do you believe in?
In my daily meditation of living I am continuously faced with the question of what do I truly believe in, am ready to take a stand for or even die for. It's a simple yet profound proposition. To really go deep and answer such intimate questions is a process of self discovery as well as a self defining moment.
The best approach for me is to keep it simple but the simplicity of black and white concepts leave little room for expansion in the search for greater meaning in my life.
So, what is the simplest answer?
For me it is the broadest and most definite path I can follow.
1. I believe in a spiritual guiding force that responds to my good intentions and prayers for light and understanding.
2. As beings of free will, we must choose to follow a spiritual path or create our own demise by our egotistical actions and selfish ways.
3. Being kind, generous and compassionate is a greater guarantee toward inner happiness and fulfillment.
4. Love of divinity, love of neighbor and choosing to do the right thing towards others in this world provides the most comfort and peace each day. If you can't be content with who you are, others will always ring the bell of the unknown existing chaos inside your soul.
5. Figure our what your moral principles and disciplines are and stick to them in spite of what others do. It will bring the rewards for a life well lived.
My journey is just this. Defining or realigning my direction is a security towards waking up and feeling a purpose to my existence. The ripple effect of my simple, small positive actions along with others in this world is a game changer.
That's what I believe today.

Looking for Inspiration.

Looking for inspiration
I ask myself why I am writing this blog and who is reading it? You might wonder what " Love Letters to Humanity" is about. I am writing to anyone and everyone out there who inspires me to ponder more, understand more and be more in my heart and soul. I have more recently taken a conscious step towards living my principles and beliefs and find that they are ever being defined by my experiences in the world and the profound impact they have more so now than ever before. I don't want to separate my personal knowing from including you as a part of my growth. So I am writing and sharing my love letters to all humanity and hope the gifts of inspiration you give me comes through my daily publications. May you be blessed today. JOYA

Age of a soul

There seems to be a vast expanse between the age of my soul and the age of this body. My soul has been traversing in deep waters awaiting the moment for resurfacing in the expression of my physical life. It has lain asleep or has been treading water patiently until a door to my conscious, awakened being was unlocked.
Souls are eternal yet ever young and and aware of the vital enthusiasm of the potential knowledge that the universe can offer. No matter how many earth years we have accumulated it would seem that finally allowing our higher becoming to take the reins of life provides a path to the cosmic labyrinth of endless understanding and possibilities. Unveiling that deeper truth can inspire joy and rebirth of a youthful mind. Providing an open heart allows us to embrace that newness of spirit. The old soul which remains as an ever vibrant spirit , bestows grace, warmth and love to our world of unconscious darkness. May I be open to let my soul express the true beauty of life through my thought word and deed and be a ray of light to myself and others of the power of the soul and it's divine source.

A thought on the tricky process called Forgiveness

Forgiveness is an elusive and complex process. Sometimes we try to forgive but there lies beneath the surface unsolved resentments that mask the process so we simply cease to care. That is not true forgiveness. Understanding and compassion, even reliving the injuries and pain, give us the opportunity to let go of the past so we can live free in the future. Harboring a self righteous and seemingly superior position to those we would forgive will thwart our efforts and leave the seed of madness to slowly fester over time. When we sincerely desire to forgive, moments of sweet surrender and reminders of fleeting memories when goodness and gratitude existed in our hearts create a blanket of soothing warmth to soften our hardened hearts. Grab the moment, be kind and remember that we have all caused pain by our unconscious acts, self seeking motives, and uncontrolled desires and if we were on a path of right-thinking and generosity we would have never chosen to wound another. Then and only then can we release that darkness and surrender it as a bird to fly away exposing our open wounds to the healing light of love and understanding. Freedom from our pain gives us the peace to live in calmness and serenity.

The Art of Being

I write these thoughts to create a life stream between my inner self and those I share life with in this vast world. It is a healing and bonding for my soul to feel more life and connect with the vast world we live in.  I pray for inspiration and gratitude each day. I hope it gives you as much joy as it gives me. Joya

The art of being is discovered by just .......being. As youthful butterflies we flit upon every budding flower of a new life event as if our days would forever come with innumerable possibilities at each sunrise and would ever provide that sweet nectar of first tastes. It would seem that the rest of our lives is spent in the chase of recapturing those stimulating bubbles like the first glass of champagne or the first kiss. The stage becomes bigger and the sets require grander trappings to mask the truer simpler experiences we long for. It feels as if, at some point, we run out of the great challenges and the higher highs, but the need to feel so becomes stronger, more desperate and more compelling. How is it possible to just be when all we've seen and done begin to lose the luster of this grand life of expectation and accomplishment? We must learn to be quiet. We must accept that our guiding spirit in self is enough....more than enough. We simply let go of needing to be more. We have arrived at today. Each day is another today and we are calm, open, and still so that the sound of the rain, the blessed breeze across our face and the sun's warmth on our body soothes our souls. Once again it is like the first time we became and knew who we were and loved the moment when we were just being.....